Life Is so Good That it Hurts

In just a few short months, my life started to look up. If you would have approached me in say December, and asked how life is, I can almost hear my voice responding. “I hate Kentucky! I hate grad school! I just can’t wait until it’s over so I can move back to Ohio! This wedding planning stuff is completely chaotic and stupid! I don’t understand why everything has to be so expensive! Grant is just a jerk because he’s making us have a wedding!” I probably mumbled about how much I missed United Dairy Farmers as well.

While I still don’t understand why weddings are expensive, grad school is still grad school, and Arby’s milkshakes remain unsatisfactory in comparison to UDF, I can say a lot of my mindset has changed. I really don’t hate Kentucky anymore. In fact, I would say I love it and have come to appreciate a lot about it. I didn’t ever realize just how much I love Raising Cane’s. I’m thankful that there are infinitely more Starbucks establishments. Not to mention, I really like only driving like fifteen minutes tops to get anywhere.

Perhaps the biggest thing that made me like Kentucky was my church down here. Right before I left for the holidays, I started attending TurningPoint Church. With me leaving for the holidays, I didn’t really have time to get settled in with too much going on. I mean, I had met a couple of people there before I left, but not too many. However, after coming back from the holidays, I quickly grew to love TurningPoint. The first couple of weeks back were bad. I was at a pretty low point in my faith. I remember pouring out a list of questions I had for God that I didn’t understand, and I demanded answers. I talked to Grant and my brother about it, and to tell you what all they said would be just completely off topic, but they both encouraged me to seek God and seek godly fellowship. I decided to do a “social media” fast for 21 days since everyone at TurningPoint seemed to be on board with doing a 21-day fast for the church. It was actually really helpful and maybe I will write about that another time, but I kind of grew to really desire more involvement.

Before I knew it, I was a different person than I was in December. I was reading my Bible and praying everyday, and I don’t think that had happened since I was like twelve. I got involved in a really good connect group that has really helped me see the direction I need to head to battle my insecurities that I have discussed before (you can read that here). I became very interested in understanding how to be close to God and discovering the person He shaped me to be. I had made really good connections with people at church. Somehow, I got involved in two more connect groups, and in one I learned a great deal about mentorship (I wrote about that and you can read it here). I started praying for a chance for a mentorship relationship to develop, and I can see it happening. I was asked to start serving on the parking team for my church, and as crazy as it sounds, I really enjoy it and feel like it is a good fit for me.

Yes, it is all going so good. I even think I might want to stay in Lexington after I graduate.

But when things start going well, I suppose that we can’t expect it to stay that way.

This past Sunday I made a conscious decision to get baptized on Palm Sunday. I felt like I was ready. I had been sprinkled when I was younger, and I don’t even remember the words that were said over me or the words I said. I honestly think I just did it because all of the other kids at my church were getting baptized. This time, I am getting immersed, and that is sort of personally meaningful for me. For those of you that don’t know, I have a HUGE fear of being submersed underwater. Just ask my friend Ryan when he decided he was going to teach me how to swim or my friend Zach when he decided he was going to pull everyone in youth group underwater on a mission trip. Therefore, this is my public declaration that I trust God, and I will no longer let fear control me… even the fear of being underwater.

That was Sunday. And Monday literally could not have sucked anymore than it did. To spare us all a long story and not to break a social worker’s ethical commitment to confidentiality (which is an even LONGER story), I won’t/can’t go into detail, but practicum just began to really suck this week. There is no nice way of putting that at all.  It didn’t stop on Monday. It just raged on all week. However, I obviously made it through.

Then, Wednesday evening happened. Wednesday was by far the most frustrating day at practicum. It resulted in me talking to a friend from church just to say little things were starting to get to me. She was very encouraging, and I felt better talking to her. I came home that evening, and I received a text saying that the guy who oversees the parking team at church wanted to see if I would be interested in taking on a leadership position on the parking team. He encouraged me to pray on it and let him know Sunday, but it made me smile. Things were starting to look up.

An hour later, my phone rings. It’s my grandma. I figured she got something in the mail for me again. Probably telling me I need to do my exit counseling (don’t you judge me, but I STILL haven’t done my loan exit counseling). I didn’t realize it was her cell phone number. If I had known that, I would have known it was more serious. I picked it up, and my grandma told me she was in the hospital. I hung up and cried. I knew she said it wasn’t serious and it was just her pneumonia was making her oxygen levels low, but I still felt my mind just go to the worst possible scenarios of worry. I got a hold of Grant and in tears I said, “I just can’t believe Satan would stoop so low to do something like this!” We both kind of were taken back at what I said.

It wasn’t like me to say something like that. In December, I would have said, “Why is God allowing this?” But I knew better now. It always intrigues me the blame we give to God when things aren’t going right but the gratitude we never give Him when things are good. Anyway, that’s a different story. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t playing the blame game with God.

My friend that had called me earlier that day and encouraged me had told me a great truth. She told me that I was growing so much and doing so many things in my church. My walk with God was growing and I was on fire for Him. I mean it still is growing, I still am doing these things, and I still am on fire. And this pisses Satan off to no end. It is in these moments that he’s going to throw everything he can at me to make me angry with God, to make me question God, and to make me no longer trust God.

To Satan’s disappointment, I still have faith. I’m still going to serve. I’m still going to get baptized. I’m still going to grow. And you know after spending some time in prayer, I’m going to take that leadership position. I’m showing God that I still trust Him with the opportunities He has given me to grow because I have seen a great deal change in me in these past few months. How could I not continue to trust Him? For the first time in my life, I am beginning to REALLY see God as good. It is something we were taught. It is something we sing and pray, but I never really bought into it. Now, I see it, and I don’t think good can begin to describe it. I am not allowing Satan to drive me back to a mindset of questioning God’s goodness because I have tasted and I have seen.

The last bit of encouragement my friend gave me was she told me I am a world changer. It’s something we are told every week at church by our pastor. “You are not common. You are not ordinary. You are a world changer.” I don’t want anything to stop me, and I don’t want you, my friend reading this, to let anything stop you either. Whatever it is that is being thrown at you, I just encourage you to remain strong and unshakeable. I know it is easier said than done, but I will tell you this friend: You are not common. You are not ordinary. You are a world changer. Walk with that faith.

The "Mini Marriage Meltdown"

I shamefully admit that I am a Glee fan. Not just a fan, but maybe a bit of a fanatic. I have literally seen every episode, and at one point made a chart to determine my favorite songs from the first and second seasons. I really should do the third season. Anyway, if you are a Glee fan, and you have not seen the latest episode, then you may want to stop reading because there is going to be a spoiler that relates to my point. If you could care less, like I am assuming most of you do, read on.

A couple that has been a fan favorite for Gleeks everywhere was finally getting married this past episode. The bride, however, has OCD and she can get very anxious over things. To make a REALLY long story short, she becomes a runaway bride. She sings a song from the musical Company called “Getting Married Today” as she makes her exit from the church. I had never heard this song, but there was a line that struck me as interesting.

“You know we’ll both of us be losing our identities.”

I recently had a “mini marriage meltdown” as I will call it because it wasn’t too horrendous and I like alliteration. I had spent A LOT of time in prayer recently about trying to find my gifts, personality, and abilities God had given me, and they were answered this past Sunday when I was allowed to go through some exploration to see what they were. I rejoiced, but it ended almost too quickly. When I talked to Grant that afternoon, I went through exploring it with him to see what gifts he had. Then, I realized something: Grant and I are almost the same person.

While some may rejoice that they have found someone that just “gets” them (whatever that means), I started kind of freaking out. I didn’t feel like my own unique self. I was JUST starting to get comfortable in my own skin and liking it, and now I felt like it wasn’t my own. I wondered how Grant and I could effectively serve others if we didn’t balance each other out (I mean for crying out loud ONE of us needs to be more task-oriented and organized). I thought marriage would mean there would be no more “Jordan” just always “Jordan and Grant.”

I’m not sure how it came up (as I am unsure with most of our conversations), but I discussed this whole matter with my brother. My brother and I could not be more different when “comforting” and listening to others. My brother is very blunt and honest. His response? “You’re being selfish.” Uhm, excuse me? I’m in school to be a social worker. I’m volunteering at a homelessness prevention organization. I’m serving at my church. Not to sound full of myself, but I don’t really consider myself selfish.

My brother explained that we have this tendency to be selfish because of human nature. I mean, marriage is about two becoming one, and sometimes we lose track of that. I think maybe our selfish tendencies are why so many marriages don’t last these days. A lot of times we think, “What can this person provide me?” It’s just our nature. Don’t get me wrong, one should be in a relationship where the other contributes and makes us into stronger people, but marrying someone isn’t to be taken lightly. It shouldn’t be just like any other relationship (if so, what’s the point of getting married?). Instead of asking, “What can this person provide me?” we should be asking, “How can I serve this person?” We should love our spouses, or potential spouses, so much that we just want to lift them up and help them out in any way possible.

Our church this past week had a message on service. In this message, our pastor explained a phrase that his son says when he wants his daddy to swing him upside down. This phrase? “More up is down.” Our pastor went on to explain that the more we submit and serve, the more we see improvement in our relationships and situations. In the case of refraining from selfishness in a marriage, more up is down.

As for our identities in marriage, my brother explained that our individual identities would still be in tact. We have a lot in common yes, and that’s what attracted us to the other. However, we still have uniqueness that is our own, even if we act so similar. We have uniqueness in the small things such as the fact that I really enjoy math more than Grant and Grant is better at art than I am. We have uniqueness in the sense that I can serve Grant through my gift of exhortation, while he could serve me through craftsmanship because I am incredibly weak in that compared to him. I think of it like I see the “sand mix thing” at a lot of weddings. The bride will pour one color of sand into a giant jar while the groom pours in a different color. The two colors are mixed together and in one place, but you can still see that they are different colors.

With all of this said, I don’t think I will be a runaway bride like our Glee character. I am willing to stick by Grant and serve him in my own unique ways. I believe we can still serve others, even if some of our gifts are the same. That just means we can work side-by-side with similar goals and tactics to reach others. :)

However, if anyone sees me looking like this on my wedding day, call Ryan Murphy and tell him he has a new cast member.

Source: Wetpaint