Confession: I'm Bitter

“jordanXjealousy? That’s your screen name?” 

“Yeah! A few people I went to high school with made their Myspace display names as these hardcore sounding alliteration names, so I just turned mine into my screen name.”

“Ha, okay. So the real question then is are you a jealous person?”

“Psh, no.”

Question: is it still lying if you are just unaware if something is true?

That was a conversation I had right at the beginning of my college career. Obviously, it had to be some time ago since I discussed Myspace like it was a commonly accepted thing to have. I really didn’t consider myself a jealous person. I mean, I grew up in church. I knew it was wrong to be jealous or bitter or anything like that. Me? I wasn’t jealous. I was just happy as could be. I honestly believed that.

I like Kathy Griffin. Okay, yes, fine, go ahead and boo me, stop reading my blog, and send me nasty messages about how horrible of a person I am. I get it; a lot of people don’t like her. I didn’t even know who she was until a friend posted on Facebook like five years ago about going to see her and showed a video from when she saw Kathy perform. I’m always looking for new comedians to watch, so my curiosity got the best of me, and I genuinely thought she was funny. I know she has some jokes out there that are a little “inappropriate” to say the least, but that aside, there is one thing I can really appreciate about Kathy Griffin. That thing is her honesty. It’s no secret that she is dying to climb to the top of the fame ladder, and she will pretty much do whatever it takes to get there. One time, Kathy was nominated for an Emmy Award for her TV show, and she did not win it. She admitted that she knew it was an honor to be nominated and she should be happy, but she admitted, “I’m bitter.”

This is me confessing it too. I’m bitter.

No, not that Kathy lost her Emmy Award (she won two Emmys for the show at other points anyway). I’m bitter about things in my own life, and I always have been.

I can write this next part knowing that she knows this full well as we have talked about it, but I was INSANELY jealous of my best friend that I had through junior high and high school. She was a very talented musically. She won our school’s talent competition our freshmen year when she played piano. She was even voted most musical for our senior superlatives. She received a lot of attention from guys, and she was really smart. I envied her so much, and I didn’t even realize it. I tried so hard to be musically talented, and I wanted nothing more than to go into something music related. It just wasn’t me. I understood the theory behind music really well, but for some reason could not translate that to an instrument or my voice. I did not receive much male attention. In fact the only “long term” relationship I had in high school was with a guy who didn’t even live in the same state as me, and I at one time, convinced myself if he did somehow get to see me on a regular basis, we wouldn’t have been together. I was nominated for several senior superlatives, and my best friend, nominated for two (the other we were actually both nominated for together because it was the “best friends” superlative, and therefore, I was positive I was the reason she lost that one or else she could have won it). I didn’t win one single one of them, which in reality, is really okay I guess. I’m sure if I would have won something, someone in the WBHS 2008 class would be complaining about how I didn’t deserve it. I only say this because my friends from high school and I shamefully do this. It’s literally embarrassing to know high school stuff can still get to you sometimes.

My best friend wasn’t the only person I envied. Any girl that was prettier, more talented, more successful, more liked, fit into a smaller shoe size, or what was an instant target of my jealously. I know this because I spent so much time in class daydreaming if I could only be like Lauren or Gina or Tara.

I could almost argue it got worse in college. Girls that made friends easier than I did? Jealous. Girls got engaged even though I was in a relationship longer? Jealous (this one thankfully faded by the time my junior year rolled around). Girls got nominated for awards or became RAs? Jealous. Perhaps the worst was the fact that we were still doing freaking homecoming court! Good God, I thought that nightmare of never being picked would be gone in high school, but it wasn’t. Jealous. Bitter. Angry. Whatever you call it.

Well, I’ve about brought you up to date, and I bet you’re expecting a big old turn around about how I’m not bitter anymore. What would I have to be bitter about? I went off and got my master’s degree before I even turned 23 years old. I’ve maintained my faith with God and my spiritual walk is at an all time peak. I’m getting ready to get married. Just what on earth could I be bitter about?

Everything.

On Mother’s Day, I was pretty freaking bitter. I didn’t like seeing all of the Facebook status updates about how great of a mother everyone had. I didn’t like seeing the pictures or the flowers or anything. Mother’s Day is usually always hard for me because my mother is gone, but this being the first one without my grandma either made it all the much harder. And I think I was even more pissed off that no one seemed to care. Or maybe people did care, and I was just too blocked by my own negativity to see compassion. Isn’t that just horrible? Can’t I just be happy for people? Oh sure. I even texted a few people I had come to see as mother figures in my life on Mother’s Day. In fact, I think I put on a smile and made sure no one noticed.

It doesn’t stop there. I wanted to stay in Lexington so bad. I love my church here. I didn’t really want to have to go through a transition phase again. I REALLY didn’t want to move back to Ohio. But here I am, applying to jobs in Ohio, planning where my furniture is going to go, and such. I guess this wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t see other friends I graduated with somehow getting jobs down here, while I am struggling to hear back from jobs despite sending out applications like crazy (which means I am now sucking it up and taking the social work licensing exam to open up even more job opportunities).

I want to be happy for my friends. I really do. I want to be genuinely happy for everyone and their accomplishments and the fact that they’re happy. But really, it is so hard sometimes. I feel like I am forcing myself to be happy for my friends, instilling the most half-hearted celebration I can muster.

Source: Allie Brosh/Hyperbole and a Half

When in reality, I feel like doing the same thing Joseph Gordon-Levitt did to Zooey Deschanel in the movie of 500 Days of Summer.

Somehow though, I miraculously pull off this half-hearted “I’m so happy for you” phrase to everyone when they achieve something. I was into this band called The Used when I was fifteen. They had this one song called “I’m a Fake” which really essentially just repeated the song title a lot. Don’t look this song up, it’s bad. Really. While listening to this song, every time, I couldn’t help but feel like the song was really about me. Like I was the fake one. The fake one that always pretended to be happy when in reality, I was crushed.

This is the most shameful thing I have written. I’m embarrassed to even admit I could be this insensitive of a person. I write this with full knowledge that sometimes “this is the way the cookie crumbles” and so I am in no way asking for sympathy or pity. I write this because if we could all be real for just one moment, maybe we’re fake too. I imagine in a society that pushes for success so much that I can’t be the only person that has ever felt so jealous. I imagine we all have things that we pretend don’t exist or don’t bother us. Or even worse, like me, you didn’t even realize how much it was eating at you.

I am constantly trying to remind myself to not compare myself to others, but to God’s standards. For the first time ever in my life, I felt called to read a specific book in the Bible just the other night: Acts (which may be another story for another day). Today, a verse caught my eye:

“But Peter and the apostles replied, ‘We must obey God rather than human authority.’”- Acts 5:29 (NLT)

Reading it in its context, the apostles are on trial because the Sadducces were, coincidentally enough, filled with jealousy because of the apostles’ works. The court officials tell the apostles that they need to stop preaching in the name of Jesus. This verse was their response.

The human authority they spoke of was the rules that others dictated. I think that kind of relates back to what I am saying. Maybe for us, well for me, the human authority is the rules that others/society dictate. This push for success. To be better and achieve. To accomplish. To, in a sense, always be striving. And really, I don’t want to live a life where I have to push and never be satisfied. In fact, this whole Christianity thing I signed onto talks about how we no longer need to strive.

“Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”- John 6:35 (NLT)

I signed on for this: a love that satisfies and reminds me that I am more than a life of striving to look for something that has already been given to me.

So, I am not staying in Lexington. I’m not getting a job as soon as I would have liked. I didn’t get a picture with a fancy title in a yearbook that is sitting on someone’s shelf serving as some sort of bookend. I didn’t get a little crown that would have probably given me a headache before the night was over. And that’s okay. Really. Because none of these things are required of me in God’s kingdom to be considered successful. In fact, what is required of me to be successful starts with loving God and loving my neighbor as myself. And let’s be honest, I would be happy if I got a job in Lexington (or anywhere really). I would be happy if I got an award or something.

Therefore, if I haven’t congratulated you on landing that job, congrats my friend. You deserve it. If I haven’t ever said, “Hey! Super proud of you for getting that award,” then, please imagine me saying it now. If I never said one word about you getting on homecoming court/prom court, please put on your dress again so I can see just how lovely you were for a second time. Seriously, dear friends, I am so happy for you, and I am so sorry I never told you sooner.

For the record, if anyone wants to know the superlatives I got nominated for they were best personality, nicest, most dependable, worst car, best eyes, best friends, and biggest flirt (that one was a joke). Looking back on it, really there is only one I am still upset I didn’t win.

I totally had the worst car.

Sometimes I Get Crafty

I haven’t really written in a while, mainly because I haven’t had any ideas on what to write. I tried writing a post about Grant being in Costa Rica and him returning, but I didn’t like the overused message of social support in it. I even had a post idea about Lucille Ball, which I may still use later.

Instead, today, I will be one of those cool, crafty people that show the results of a craft they made. I found this idea originally through here on StumbleUpon (side note: if you don’t use StumbleUpon, you are doing life wrong). Yesterday, I had spent all day playing video games and doing logic puzzles, so I wanted to do something a little more productive. I decided on this idea of a DIY dry erase calendar.

Originally, I wanted to make this for me, but I just felt like I needed to make it for someone else. I really felt like I needed to make it for a couple at my church, Sara and Austin, as they had just recently married.

What You Will Need

35 paint chips of any color(s) you decide

12” X 16” picture frame

Glue stick

Dry erase markers

Scissors

Ruler

Pencil

I found everything I needed at Hobby Lobby except the paint chips. That’s okay though because paint chips are obviously easy to come by because they are free at any home decorating store. I picked mine up from Wal-Mart, although, I must warn you, it does feel a little criminal just going into Wal-Mart, picking up 35 paint chips, and walking out like it was nothing. I was really nervous and felt like I was breaking a law or something.

First, you will want to cut your paint chips into 2” X 2” squares. I picked a different color for each day of the week and picked variations of yellow and gray since those were Austin and Sara’s colors.

Next, take the insert of the flame and flip it over to the blank side. Arrange your paint chips in a nice fashion like below and glue them on the insert.

After this, you can put the insert back into the picture frame. The glass will act as the dry erase part, and you can use your dry erase markers to decorate it how you like. I went ahead and added a couple of events at our church that I knew they were attending so it wouldn't look so plain.

Sara and Austin ended up being really appreciative of the gift, and like I told them, if it ever proves to be something they no longer use, they now have a large picture frame.

I hope you guys enjoyed my brief craft tutorial. I know I did as I realized I will never have to buy a dry erase board again.