Peace

Whatever we are waiting for- peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance- it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

 -Sarah Ban Breathnach 

Peace is something I never quite understood. I remember the brief moment in the 90's where peace started to come back in style, and my friend Jenny and I threw peace signs at my Polaroid camera (which I wish I still had). I understood peace in only one sense: having peace with others.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but right before I moved back to Ohio, I talked to my college roommate on the phone. She told me of how she felt this "peace" about where she was. I tried to comprehend this, but I couldn't. To me, peace with life or God was something foreign to me.

I guess I would describe myself as someone that was always striving. I loved that song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North when it came out because it related to me (I say "when it came out" because now I think it is a little overplayed). I hate to admit it, but a lot of striving for me came from proving myself smart and desirable. That's why I went to pursue my master's degree at such an early age, and that's why, shamefully, I sought so much male attention.

Two months ago, here I sat, with my master's degree and a fiancé, and I still didn't feel at peace. I actually felt further away from peace. With degrees comes student loan debt. With weddings comes selling your plasma to pay for catering alone. I had these things I thought I wanted, but did not feel peace at all.

That was two months ago.

I now know what peace is. It is not something you obtain or achieve; it is something you realize, and I realize how good God is. In that realization, I made myself open to receive this peace, and it is amazing.

You may or may not know, but I have been employed for about a month now. It is one thing to be thankful and feel blessed to have a job, but I want to go beyond thankful and just recognize God's goodness and love. Not only do I have a job, I have a job I love. I have a job that sparks my passion. I work as a foster care consultant, and it is amazing. I would be blessed to have a job anywhere, but God loves me enough to open up doors for me to do what I want. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying God doesn't love you if you are not in the job you really want. I have no doubt God is drawing you even closer in these moments and teaching you, which is an even greater demonstration. He is being the loving parent at this moment.

I have also started dieting and exercising. I have been making time for reading, and honestly, it just makes me feel good. I am taking care of my body, physically and mentally/emotionally. It makes me feel like I am a good steward of what God has given me: myself. My life is really the biggest gift God has given me. In this, I also realize just how much He loves me.

Being open to receive this peace that comes from seeing God's glory is honestly inspiring. I went from striving, feeling tired in my endless chases to feeling empowered, where God is strengthening me. I feel there is so much more I want to do. I want to take care of myself. I want to work hard in my job. I want to spend more time with Him.

I also want to blog more (hehe), but that's besides the point.

My encouragement if you are trying to find peace is to quit striving. Just be open and look at the goodness in life. My student loan debt will still come, but I am not worried about it. My wedding was pushed back, and that's okay. I see the blessings. I see the moments where God pours out His love. I will be able to afford paying back these loans and afford a wedding. I had a great time at college and it helped me get this awesome job. I have an amazing best friend that I will one day marry. God is good.

And there is where peace is.

Farewell Facebook

This past month I thought I was just spinning into a spiral of depression. My first indication of this was the freak out I had over something wedding related in my future in-laws’ kitchen, which somehow found its way upstairs, back downstairs into the kitchen, and outside on the patio when I decided to be done. I thought maybe I was just tired, and I wasn’t really on some emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, my suspicion that I was on some amusement park ride worse than anything Cedar Point could offer was confirmed when I happened to glimpse at a text Grant sent to our mutual friend describing the journey of studying for my LSW exam as an “emotional process”.

I think Dr. Dunlop would be ashamed to hear I am having a hard time transitioning right now (especially after spending so much time on it in one of our courses), but it is true. I came up to Ohio on Memorial Day to prepare myself for moving by doing some job hunting and job interviews. I kept this to myself for the most part because I didn’t want the awkward encounter of “how did your interview go?” if I didn’t get it. I originally only intended to be gone for a week, but doors were opening to more interviews, and I was going to take my licensing exam. I was gone for like three weeks, and with all of this, I just became depressed as I felt like I wasn’t going to pass my exam. I became depressed as I still returned to Lexington to pack my stuff with no job. I should have been happy because I still had some hope in the job hunt and I ended up passing my exam, but when you see just how awesome everyone else’s life is going, you just grow to hate everything.

That’s right, I was just so down that it just turned to anger and more sadness. Exerting that much energy to be angry and sad just made me tired, and I felt like doing nothing. I wanted to tell the world “screw you” but I didn’t have the energy.

I'm only a little sorry if you find this offensive. I'm just being real in my emotions.

I also didn’t have the energy to keep trying to go through all of this stuff. Not only was the lack of energy a factor, but also the lack of success in job hunting just discourages you.

And then it happens…

Don’t get me wrong; I am not totally negating job hunting. I am still active in it. It is just I have found myself turning to video games or books when I am not doing so. I became aware that I do this in early 2012. I kind of do this escape where I just don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to escape to this other world where my problems aren’t there. Video games appeal to me so much in these times because at least I have control over that when I don’t have control over mine. The Sims is like crack to me. Sure real-life Jordan may be miserable, but Sim-Jordan seems to be having the time of her life riding her horse named Starbuck.

Why do I do this? I’m not sure. I mean I have a theory, but I could be wrong. I think it is just because I hate how people react when I try to talk about it. For example, I REALLY wanted to talk to people in Lexington about how I was feeling down about leaving, transitioning, job hunting, people forgetting me after I left, etc. It is just everyone always felt so busy, and I felt inconvenient with my problems. Would anyone care? Would they just tell me I am being ridiculous? Would they find it insulted I was worried about this? Would they just tell me to suck it up?

If this above instance isn’t enough to push me away, I also feel like I have the problem of people pushing my problems back onto them. Sometimes when I feel down and tell someone that I pretty much hate everything, they always seem to go, “You don’t hate me, do you?” or “At least you have me to make you smile because you don’t hate me!” Honestly, I can’t stand this.

Therefore, I just kind of keep it all inside, hide behind my books or my screens until it just builds and builds. How does it build?

Facebook.

Gosh, do I hate what Facebook does to me. “Oh good for you, you got a promotion. Must you rub it in when some of us don’t even have jobs?” “Oh you can be all BFF with her now and always hang out with her, but never text me back, huh?” “I see that you were too busy to go to my graduation, but had no problem with going to a different one.”

I know I’ve talked about comparing myself to others before, and I won’t dwell on it this time around. Instead, I will tell you about my conversation with my friend and mentor, Holly. I had a chance to talk to her on a particularly frustrating day while I was packing and getting ready to move back to Ohio. She reminded me a lot of humility and looking at the blessings we have already been given. I honestly can’t even remember if we particularly talked about this, if it was from my awesome conversation with my college roommate earlier in the day, or what, but I was reminded that it is humbling to realize that you’re not in control, but God is. And really, I have found out that no matter how hard I try, there is no possible way I can be in control of my life right now… and thank God there isn’t.

I shamefully admit in these times I have needed God the most, I turned away thinking that my own steps and input would get me what I needed because I was following the path of success by the world’s standards. In the three week “emotional process” I mentioned, I went from reading my Bible with excitement daily to maybe reading it once a week, and usually it was only through Grant or my accountability partner, Breezy prompting me. I went from praying everyday to only praying right before I took my licensing exam. It’s shameful I admit, but going back to Holly, I need to look back at the blessings God has already given me, and when I do, it becomes absolutely insane of me to think He won’t get me through this.

However, this is hard to do when I get on Facebook and see what is happening in everyone else’s lives, and I instantly feel the anger and depression again.

I think it was after the fifth time of me muttering, “People suck” under my breath as I browsed Facebook that Grant finally mentioned that maybe I should take a break from it. At first, I was totally not on board. I pointed out how I just gave it up for twenty-one days in January. He told me I didn’t have to give it up quite as long again if I didn’t want to but a few days or a couple of weeks could be good. I started thinking about it. I toyed with the idea of deactivating my Facebook. I have toyed with this idea before, but never seriously because I thought of things like what would happen to my pictures, how I would stay in contact with people I really needed to, what people would think happened to me and Grant if they saw I was gone, etc. This time, however, I thought logically and realized that people survived, kept pictures, and maintained relationships without Facebook. Basic concept, but true. Pictures? I will download them onto my computer! And if people think something happened to me and Grant just based on social media, then I weep for humanity. As for maintaining communication with people…

 So, with all of this in mind and the constant game requests and event invites, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook. I don’t know for how long, and if I do come back, I have decided to make a new one. Because honestly, in this time, I will find out whom I want to keep in contact with by seeing the ones who make efforts.

Therefore, Facebook…

I hope you enjoyed the Disney memes as much as I did.

Confession: I'm Bitter

“jordanXjealousy? That’s your screen name?” 

“Yeah! A few people I went to high school with made their Myspace display names as these hardcore sounding alliteration names, so I just turned mine into my screen name.”

“Ha, okay. So the real question then is are you a jealous person?”

“Psh, no.”

Question: is it still lying if you are just unaware if something is true?

That was a conversation I had right at the beginning of my college career. Obviously, it had to be some time ago since I discussed Myspace like it was a commonly accepted thing to have. I really didn’t consider myself a jealous person. I mean, I grew up in church. I knew it was wrong to be jealous or bitter or anything like that. Me? I wasn’t jealous. I was just happy as could be. I honestly believed that.

I like Kathy Griffin. Okay, yes, fine, go ahead and boo me, stop reading my blog, and send me nasty messages about how horrible of a person I am. I get it; a lot of people don’t like her. I didn’t even know who she was until a friend posted on Facebook like five years ago about going to see her and showed a video from when she saw Kathy perform. I’m always looking for new comedians to watch, so my curiosity got the best of me, and I genuinely thought she was funny. I know she has some jokes out there that are a little “inappropriate” to say the least, but that aside, there is one thing I can really appreciate about Kathy Griffin. That thing is her honesty. It’s no secret that she is dying to climb to the top of the fame ladder, and she will pretty much do whatever it takes to get there. One time, Kathy was nominated for an Emmy Award for her TV show, and she did not win it. She admitted that she knew it was an honor to be nominated and she should be happy, but she admitted, “I’m bitter.”

This is me confessing it too. I’m bitter.

No, not that Kathy lost her Emmy Award (she won two Emmys for the show at other points anyway). I’m bitter about things in my own life, and I always have been.

I can write this next part knowing that she knows this full well as we have talked about it, but I was INSANELY jealous of my best friend that I had through junior high and high school. She was a very talented musically. She won our school’s talent competition our freshmen year when she played piano. She was even voted most musical for our senior superlatives. She received a lot of attention from guys, and she was really smart. I envied her so much, and I didn’t even realize it. I tried so hard to be musically talented, and I wanted nothing more than to go into something music related. It just wasn’t me. I understood the theory behind music really well, but for some reason could not translate that to an instrument or my voice. I did not receive much male attention. In fact the only “long term” relationship I had in high school was with a guy who didn’t even live in the same state as me, and I at one time, convinced myself if he did somehow get to see me on a regular basis, we wouldn’t have been together. I was nominated for several senior superlatives, and my best friend, nominated for two (the other we were actually both nominated for together because it was the “best friends” superlative, and therefore, I was positive I was the reason she lost that one or else she could have won it). I didn’t win one single one of them, which in reality, is really okay I guess. I’m sure if I would have won something, someone in the WBHS 2008 class would be complaining about how I didn’t deserve it. I only say this because my friends from high school and I shamefully do this. It’s literally embarrassing to know high school stuff can still get to you sometimes.

My best friend wasn’t the only person I envied. Any girl that was prettier, more talented, more successful, more liked, fit into a smaller shoe size, or what was an instant target of my jealously. I know this because I spent so much time in class daydreaming if I could only be like Lauren or Gina or Tara.

I could almost argue it got worse in college. Girls that made friends easier than I did? Jealous. Girls got engaged even though I was in a relationship longer? Jealous (this one thankfully faded by the time my junior year rolled around). Girls got nominated for awards or became RAs? Jealous. Perhaps the worst was the fact that we were still doing freaking homecoming court! Good God, I thought that nightmare of never being picked would be gone in high school, but it wasn’t. Jealous. Bitter. Angry. Whatever you call it.

Well, I’ve about brought you up to date, and I bet you’re expecting a big old turn around about how I’m not bitter anymore. What would I have to be bitter about? I went off and got my master’s degree before I even turned 23 years old. I’ve maintained my faith with God and my spiritual walk is at an all time peak. I’m getting ready to get married. Just what on earth could I be bitter about?

Everything.

On Mother’s Day, I was pretty freaking bitter. I didn’t like seeing all of the Facebook status updates about how great of a mother everyone had. I didn’t like seeing the pictures or the flowers or anything. Mother’s Day is usually always hard for me because my mother is gone, but this being the first one without my grandma either made it all the much harder. And I think I was even more pissed off that no one seemed to care. Or maybe people did care, and I was just too blocked by my own negativity to see compassion. Isn’t that just horrible? Can’t I just be happy for people? Oh sure. I even texted a few people I had come to see as mother figures in my life on Mother’s Day. In fact, I think I put on a smile and made sure no one noticed.

It doesn’t stop there. I wanted to stay in Lexington so bad. I love my church here. I didn’t really want to have to go through a transition phase again. I REALLY didn’t want to move back to Ohio. But here I am, applying to jobs in Ohio, planning where my furniture is going to go, and such. I guess this wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t see other friends I graduated with somehow getting jobs down here, while I am struggling to hear back from jobs despite sending out applications like crazy (which means I am now sucking it up and taking the social work licensing exam to open up even more job opportunities).

I want to be happy for my friends. I really do. I want to be genuinely happy for everyone and their accomplishments and the fact that they’re happy. But really, it is so hard sometimes. I feel like I am forcing myself to be happy for my friends, instilling the most half-hearted celebration I can muster.

Source: Allie Brosh/Hyperbole and a Half

When in reality, I feel like doing the same thing Joseph Gordon-Levitt did to Zooey Deschanel in the movie of 500 Days of Summer.

Somehow though, I miraculously pull off this half-hearted “I’m so happy for you” phrase to everyone when they achieve something. I was into this band called The Used when I was fifteen. They had this one song called “I’m a Fake” which really essentially just repeated the song title a lot. Don’t look this song up, it’s bad. Really. While listening to this song, every time, I couldn’t help but feel like the song was really about me. Like I was the fake one. The fake one that always pretended to be happy when in reality, I was crushed.

This is the most shameful thing I have written. I’m embarrassed to even admit I could be this insensitive of a person. I write this with full knowledge that sometimes “this is the way the cookie crumbles” and so I am in no way asking for sympathy or pity. I write this because if we could all be real for just one moment, maybe we’re fake too. I imagine in a society that pushes for success so much that I can’t be the only person that has ever felt so jealous. I imagine we all have things that we pretend don’t exist or don’t bother us. Or even worse, like me, you didn’t even realize how much it was eating at you.

I am constantly trying to remind myself to not compare myself to others, but to God’s standards. For the first time ever in my life, I felt called to read a specific book in the Bible just the other night: Acts (which may be another story for another day). Today, a verse caught my eye:

“But Peter and the apostles replied, ‘We must obey God rather than human authority.’”- Acts 5:29 (NLT)

Reading it in its context, the apostles are on trial because the Sadducces were, coincidentally enough, filled with jealousy because of the apostles’ works. The court officials tell the apostles that they need to stop preaching in the name of Jesus. This verse was their response.

The human authority they spoke of was the rules that others dictated. I think that kind of relates back to what I am saying. Maybe for us, well for me, the human authority is the rules that others/society dictate. This push for success. To be better and achieve. To accomplish. To, in a sense, always be striving. And really, I don’t want to live a life where I have to push and never be satisfied. In fact, this whole Christianity thing I signed onto talks about how we no longer need to strive.

“Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”- John 6:35 (NLT)

I signed on for this: a love that satisfies and reminds me that I am more than a life of striving to look for something that has already been given to me.

So, I am not staying in Lexington. I’m not getting a job as soon as I would have liked. I didn’t get a picture with a fancy title in a yearbook that is sitting on someone’s shelf serving as some sort of bookend. I didn’t get a little crown that would have probably given me a headache before the night was over. And that’s okay. Really. Because none of these things are required of me in God’s kingdom to be considered successful. In fact, what is required of me to be successful starts with loving God and loving my neighbor as myself. And let’s be honest, I would be happy if I got a job in Lexington (or anywhere really). I would be happy if I got an award or something.

Therefore, if I haven’t congratulated you on landing that job, congrats my friend. You deserve it. If I haven’t ever said, “Hey! Super proud of you for getting that award,” then, please imagine me saying it now. If I never said one word about you getting on homecoming court/prom court, please put on your dress again so I can see just how lovely you were for a second time. Seriously, dear friends, I am so happy for you, and I am so sorry I never told you sooner.

For the record, if anyone wants to know the superlatives I got nominated for they were best personality, nicest, most dependable, worst car, best eyes, best friends, and biggest flirt (that one was a joke). Looking back on it, really there is only one I am still upset I didn’t win.

I totally had the worst car.

Life Is so Good That it Hurts

In just a few short months, my life started to look up. If you would have approached me in say December, and asked how life is, I can almost hear my voice responding. “I hate Kentucky! I hate grad school! I just can’t wait until it’s over so I can move back to Ohio! This wedding planning stuff is completely chaotic and stupid! I don’t understand why everything has to be so expensive! Grant is just a jerk because he’s making us have a wedding!” I probably mumbled about how much I missed United Dairy Farmers as well.

While I still don’t understand why weddings are expensive, grad school is still grad school, and Arby’s milkshakes remain unsatisfactory in comparison to UDF, I can say a lot of my mindset has changed. I really don’t hate Kentucky anymore. In fact, I would say I love it and have come to appreciate a lot about it. I didn’t ever realize just how much I love Raising Cane’s. I’m thankful that there are infinitely more Starbucks establishments. Not to mention, I really like only driving like fifteen minutes tops to get anywhere.

Perhaps the biggest thing that made me like Kentucky was my church down here. Right before I left for the holidays, I started attending TurningPoint Church. With me leaving for the holidays, I didn’t really have time to get settled in with too much going on. I mean, I had met a couple of people there before I left, but not too many. However, after coming back from the holidays, I quickly grew to love TurningPoint. The first couple of weeks back were bad. I was at a pretty low point in my faith. I remember pouring out a list of questions I had for God that I didn’t understand, and I demanded answers. I talked to Grant and my brother about it, and to tell you what all they said would be just completely off topic, but they both encouraged me to seek God and seek godly fellowship. I decided to do a “social media” fast for 21 days since everyone at TurningPoint seemed to be on board with doing a 21-day fast for the church. It was actually really helpful and maybe I will write about that another time, but I kind of grew to really desire more involvement.

Before I knew it, I was a different person than I was in December. I was reading my Bible and praying everyday, and I don’t think that had happened since I was like twelve. I got involved in a really good connect group that has really helped me see the direction I need to head to battle my insecurities that I have discussed before (you can read that here). I became very interested in understanding how to be close to God and discovering the person He shaped me to be. I had made really good connections with people at church. Somehow, I got involved in two more connect groups, and in one I learned a great deal about mentorship (I wrote about that and you can read it here). I started praying for a chance for a mentorship relationship to develop, and I can see it happening. I was asked to start serving on the parking team for my church, and as crazy as it sounds, I really enjoy it and feel like it is a good fit for me.

Yes, it is all going so good. I even think I might want to stay in Lexington after I graduate.

But when things start going well, I suppose that we can’t expect it to stay that way.

This past Sunday I made a conscious decision to get baptized on Palm Sunday. I felt like I was ready. I had been sprinkled when I was younger, and I don’t even remember the words that were said over me or the words I said. I honestly think I just did it because all of the other kids at my church were getting baptized. This time, I am getting immersed, and that is sort of personally meaningful for me. For those of you that don’t know, I have a HUGE fear of being submersed underwater. Just ask my friend Ryan when he decided he was going to teach me how to swim or my friend Zach when he decided he was going to pull everyone in youth group underwater on a mission trip. Therefore, this is my public declaration that I trust God, and I will no longer let fear control me… even the fear of being underwater.

That was Sunday. And Monday literally could not have sucked anymore than it did. To spare us all a long story and not to break a social worker’s ethical commitment to confidentiality (which is an even LONGER story), I won’t/can’t go into detail, but practicum just began to really suck this week. There is no nice way of putting that at all.  It didn’t stop on Monday. It just raged on all week. However, I obviously made it through.

Then, Wednesday evening happened. Wednesday was by far the most frustrating day at practicum. It resulted in me talking to a friend from church just to say little things were starting to get to me. She was very encouraging, and I felt better talking to her. I came home that evening, and I received a text saying that the guy who oversees the parking team at church wanted to see if I would be interested in taking on a leadership position on the parking team. He encouraged me to pray on it and let him know Sunday, but it made me smile. Things were starting to look up.

An hour later, my phone rings. It’s my grandma. I figured she got something in the mail for me again. Probably telling me I need to do my exit counseling (don’t you judge me, but I STILL haven’t done my loan exit counseling). I didn’t realize it was her cell phone number. If I had known that, I would have known it was more serious. I picked it up, and my grandma told me she was in the hospital. I hung up and cried. I knew she said it wasn’t serious and it was just her pneumonia was making her oxygen levels low, but I still felt my mind just go to the worst possible scenarios of worry. I got a hold of Grant and in tears I said, “I just can’t believe Satan would stoop so low to do something like this!” We both kind of were taken back at what I said.

It wasn’t like me to say something like that. In December, I would have said, “Why is God allowing this?” But I knew better now. It always intrigues me the blame we give to God when things aren’t going right but the gratitude we never give Him when things are good. Anyway, that’s a different story. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t playing the blame game with God.

My friend that had called me earlier that day and encouraged me had told me a great truth. She told me that I was growing so much and doing so many things in my church. My walk with God was growing and I was on fire for Him. I mean it still is growing, I still am doing these things, and I still am on fire. And this pisses Satan off to no end. It is in these moments that he’s going to throw everything he can at me to make me angry with God, to make me question God, and to make me no longer trust God.

To Satan’s disappointment, I still have faith. I’m still going to serve. I’m still going to get baptized. I’m still going to grow. And you know after spending some time in prayer, I’m going to take that leadership position. I’m showing God that I still trust Him with the opportunities He has given me to grow because I have seen a great deal change in me in these past few months. How could I not continue to trust Him? For the first time in my life, I am beginning to REALLY see God as good. It is something we were taught. It is something we sing and pray, but I never really bought into it. Now, I see it, and I don’t think good can begin to describe it. I am not allowing Satan to drive me back to a mindset of questioning God’s goodness because I have tasted and I have seen.

The last bit of encouragement my friend gave me was she told me I am a world changer. It’s something we are told every week at church by our pastor. “You are not common. You are not ordinary. You are a world changer.” I don’t want anything to stop me, and I don’t want you, my friend reading this, to let anything stop you either. Whatever it is that is being thrown at you, I just encourage you to remain strong and unshakeable. I know it is easier said than done, but I will tell you this friend: You are not common. You are not ordinary. You are a world changer. Walk with that faith.

The "Feel Better" Movie

Does anyone else have that one movie they always turn to when they are sick, or is it just me? Since age seventeen, my "feel better" movie has been Stardust. I don't know why I fell in love with the movie so much. Perhaps I love it because Ben Barnes was only it in for like two scenes, and therefore didn't have a chance to ruin it like he did with Prince Caspian. Maybe I am just like other girls, and I love the cute, romantic story between Claire Danes and Charlie Cox.

Soure: RGJ

Perhaps it is just that Michelle Pfeiffer is just a beautiful woman for her age, and who knew a villain could look so good?

Source: News.com.au

 Maybe it is the sarcastic wit from Mark Strong's character.

But let's be honest, it is more than likely Robert De Niro's character that just makes me love this movie.

Source: Tumblr

However, the problem with this is that I have apparently lent my Stardust DVD out to someone along with the numerous DVDs I lend out and seem to never get back (by the way, if you are reading this, and you have my copy of The Notebook, Talladega Nights, Stardust, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or ANY other movie I am forgetting, I would greatly appreciate the return of my item).

This concept got me to thinking though, how often do I expect something to be returned to me if I do something nice for someone else? I mean, I don't always think that person "owes" me anything, but I kind of expect to here a sort of praise. "That Jordan girl is so sweet. I just love how she is always helping out."

Not to cling to the past, but I was nominated for quite a few senior superlatives in high school. Among them was nicest, best personality, most dependable, and a few others, such as worst car and most likely to be on a reality TV show (whatever that means). It was quite an honor to be nominated, and I cannot lie to you guys. I thought FOR SURE I had nicest in the bag. You know how many of those superlatives I won? None. Not one. I thought, "Maybe in college." Yeah, I wasn't even NOMINATED in college.

Looking back on it, it seems prideful and almost like you don't deserve the title of "nicest" if you think you deserve it. Perhaps that is why I didn't get it (more than likely it was popularity politics, but I am trying to make a point here). But it honestly didn't change who I was. I don't need some recognition, and that has been hard for me to accept.

I still really do struggle with comparing myself to others. I watched a number of my friends in college have many awesome things happen to them. You know what I thought the whole time? "I wish that could happen to me." I think I wasted a lot of my life wishing for awesome recognition or praise that I never got to be happy and appreciate the things for my friends. This in turn caused me not be happy and appreciate the things going on in my own life because I always wanted more of something. More recognition, more titles, and more whatever to just prove myself. My grandma used to always say it best, "The one thing about Jordan is that she is just never satisfied."

I once watched a video called "God's Chisel" from The Skit Guys. It was really great, and I loved it. I shared it on Facebook and everything. To this day, I honestly couldn't tell you everything in it. I could tell you one line though. One line that just stuck with me. The guy that portrayed God was chiseling away all of the bad stuff in this person's life to make him more like God. While doing this, "God" said, "You compare yourself to others instead of me." Talk about a part that stood out and hit me up the side of the head.

You know maybe it is okay to want more, but I need to direct my "wanting more" to wanting the right thing. I want more of God's heart. Just serving and loving others. I want more of the greater life. Not just the good life that comes with something in return because that something is not going to be enough for me. I want more of the greater life.

John 14:12 (NLT): "I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father."

I am aiming for wanting more and more of this greater life. I am leaving behind this need to prove myself and insecurity that comes through comparing myself to others. I have a spiritual gift of exhortation that I have just wasted as I sat in my "expecting more for me time." I don't want to waste what I have been given. I know God has greater plans for me than what I think will make me happy (Ephesians 3:20).

In case you wanted to see it, here is the "God's Chisel" video.

In case you wanted some more Stardust, here's Mark Strong laughing on the floor.

Source: Tumblr

Anything but Mute (Unfortunately)

I find I’m always asking, “What”

Requiring repeat like I’ve got no choice

My ears are always ringing, but I’m still

clinging  to hear a still, small voice

Now my sight matches the color of my eyes

Speaking of dark, I already couldn’t see at night

My fingers can feel these bumps of life just fine,

and though I can’t see I still find comfort in the Light

Funny how I can always speak so easy,

but, I guess honestly, that really doesn’t help me

You can try to sing praise, but it’s only noise

If your ears can’t hear and your eyes can’t see

Today, I’ll get it with a shot of hazelnut.

My morning commute to my internship used to be a time where I just turned on the radio in hopes of that keeping me somewhat up-to-date on the happenings of life. Without my grandmother, cable television, or a campus community, I have found it hard to stay in touch with what’s going on in the world. It is so bad that my professor told me that the school I intern at was on the news because it was supposedly haunted. I am not sure how I completely missed that, but I did.

Well, since my efforts to use radio to be in the loop of the world were futile, I decided to use my morning commute for silence. This is so unnatural for me. I have never practiced the discipline of silence until recently, and I cannot say I was a huge fan starting out. But I have heard so many people be rewarded by being silent and allowing God to speak that I just had to give it a try.

You see, I have a hard time hearing God speak. I am always trying to figure out if I heard God’s voice or if it was just my own. Sometimes, I am not sure who it is. I am not sure what voice spoke to me when I decided that it would be a really fun idea to go planking in Wal-Mart at 10 o’clock at night. I am pretty sure that wasn’t my voice or God’s voice… probably the voice of caffeine in my system. Anyway, the point is, I have a hard time hearing God’s voice. My whole junior year of college, I prayed for clarity, and I have to admit that must have been the worst year between God and I as I grew frustrated with Him and ended up pushing myself further away because He felt so far away to me. In reality, I probably spent so much time asking for clarity that I never gave Him the chance to speak.

Therefore, silence seemed like the clear choice for me. However, this was bloody difficult (I apologize for the British swearing; I watched The IT Crowd before writing this). I get so distracted that I am sure anyone would be convinced I have ADHD. Then, I start getting distracted by my distractions. I can’t believe I am getting distracted so much that I start praying to focus on God so much that THAT becomes a distraction and I realize I am no longer being silent. This was a frustrating process the first few times I did it. As sad as I am to admit this, usually when something really frustrates me, I end up just walking away from it. However, I couldn’t bring myself to stop. If I felt like God was saying ANYTHING in my “moments of silence” I heard, “Keep trying.”

Today, I was silent while driving, and I thought about how I could not believe I left the house without making coffee. I decided I had to get my usual white mocha, but recently I was so bored with that, and I decided to get a shot of hazelnut flavoring with it. That’s when it hit me.

Suddenly, the verse Psalm 34:8 came to mind. “Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who take refuge in Him.” At first, I just kind of laughed at myself and how I thought flavored coffee was God’s reminder of His goodness. Then, I thought that maybe that verse didn’t come from me and that it came from God (because let’s be honest, my thoughts are usually on what size drink I should get). I began to reflect on it, and my mind went off the “taste” part and focused on the “see” part.

My most recent prayer time with God had resulted in me saying, “I am blind. I am deaf. But I am unfortunately, not mute.” I meant this in the fact that I spend so much time wishing I could hear God’s voice or see Him at work, but I can’t shut up long enough to hear Him or see Him. I was praying in this prayer time how glorifying God just seems so empty… like my words aren’t enough, and really they aren’t. But it just seems like I am saying, “God you are so good and mighty” because that’s what I know about God’s character. But I haven’t ALLOWED myself to truly see that He is good and mighty. To see that He is, to hear Him speaking… wouldn’t those things bring more authenticity to my words of praise? Without allowing myself to hear God or to open my eyes to things God has around me, my words are just a “clanging cymbal” and not praise.

I’ve started allowing myself to see God more in my life. What I do is write down ten things I am grateful for everyday. I’ve been doing this for a few weeks now, and writing them down sometimes is just hard (especially on days where I did not feel like I did ANYTHING). But sadly as hard as that is, writing them down is not just enough. I need to move on to recognizing, “Hey, look at these things God has given me!” I need to allow these things to motivate my heart to a sense of more sincere praise.

As for allowing myself to hear God more in my life, I am continuing my moments of silence in the morning. Now, I must be honest, I think I had crazy expectations for my moments of silence. I think I thought God was going to give me this divine direction for my life like, “Jordan! I will take you back to Ohio! And one day, you will leave for Chicago with Grant! This is where you two will purchase your first house! You will wait two years to get that trampoline you want!” Maybe not to that extreme, but some sort of huge direction. It’s funny because I have started reading a book called Greater by Steven Furtick for my connect group at church. I got to a part in the book that honestly annoyed me, but it was a truth I needed to hear:

“While God is detail oriented, He doesn’t handle details or communicate them in the way most of us would prefer. He doesn’t feel obligated to walk us through every contingency or provide us with every possible warranty. He simply tells us to trust Him with the outcome, commanding us to act in faith and obedience.”

With this mindset, my moments of silence have drastically changed. I don’t come expecting to hear the full plan for my life, and I have surprisingly heard so much more. Today, I felt like I needed to send a “hope you feel better” text to my uncle that I don’t really talk to because my grandma said he had a cold. I felt like I needed to see how my future father-in-law was doing. I needed to tell my supervisor that I was proud of her for trying to do better at balancing two schools. I needed to tell a couple of my friends that love hazelnut white mochas that I ordered one and that they were on my mind.

That’s the beauty of it for me. In those moments where I act out in faith obedience, it shows me that I actually was able to listen to God. When I see the results that come from being obedient, I see God. I think this is truly the way to “taste and see that the Lord is good.”