Anything but Mute (Unfortunately)

I find I’m always asking, “What”

Requiring repeat like I’ve got no choice

My ears are always ringing, but I’m still

clinging  to hear a still, small voice

Now my sight matches the color of my eyes

Speaking of dark, I already couldn’t see at night

My fingers can feel these bumps of life just fine,

and though I can’t see I still find comfort in the Light

Funny how I can always speak so easy,

but, I guess honestly, that really doesn’t help me

You can try to sing praise, but it’s only noise

If your ears can’t hear and your eyes can’t see

Today, I’ll get it with a shot of hazelnut.

My morning commute to my internship used to be a time where I just turned on the radio in hopes of that keeping me somewhat up-to-date on the happenings of life. Without my grandmother, cable television, or a campus community, I have found it hard to stay in touch with what’s going on in the world. It is so bad that my professor told me that the school I intern at was on the news because it was supposedly haunted. I am not sure how I completely missed that, but I did.

Well, since my efforts to use radio to be in the loop of the world were futile, I decided to use my morning commute for silence. This is so unnatural for me. I have never practiced the discipline of silence until recently, and I cannot say I was a huge fan starting out. But I have heard so many people be rewarded by being silent and allowing God to speak that I just had to give it a try.

You see, I have a hard time hearing God speak. I am always trying to figure out if I heard God’s voice or if it was just my own. Sometimes, I am not sure who it is. I am not sure what voice spoke to me when I decided that it would be a really fun idea to go planking in Wal-Mart at 10 o’clock at night. I am pretty sure that wasn’t my voice or God’s voice… probably the voice of caffeine in my system. Anyway, the point is, I have a hard time hearing God’s voice. My whole junior year of college, I prayed for clarity, and I have to admit that must have been the worst year between God and I as I grew frustrated with Him and ended up pushing myself further away because He felt so far away to me. In reality, I probably spent so much time asking for clarity that I never gave Him the chance to speak.

Therefore, silence seemed like the clear choice for me. However, this was bloody difficult (I apologize for the British swearing; I watched The IT Crowd before writing this). I get so distracted that I am sure anyone would be convinced I have ADHD. Then, I start getting distracted by my distractions. I can’t believe I am getting distracted so much that I start praying to focus on God so much that THAT becomes a distraction and I realize I am no longer being silent. This was a frustrating process the first few times I did it. As sad as I am to admit this, usually when something really frustrates me, I end up just walking away from it. However, I couldn’t bring myself to stop. If I felt like God was saying ANYTHING in my “moments of silence” I heard, “Keep trying.”

Today, I was silent while driving, and I thought about how I could not believe I left the house without making coffee. I decided I had to get my usual white mocha, but recently I was so bored with that, and I decided to get a shot of hazelnut flavoring with it. That’s when it hit me.

Suddenly, the verse Psalm 34:8 came to mind. “Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who take refuge in Him.” At first, I just kind of laughed at myself and how I thought flavored coffee was God’s reminder of His goodness. Then, I thought that maybe that verse didn’t come from me and that it came from God (because let’s be honest, my thoughts are usually on what size drink I should get). I began to reflect on it, and my mind went off the “taste” part and focused on the “see” part.

My most recent prayer time with God had resulted in me saying, “I am blind. I am deaf. But I am unfortunately, not mute.” I meant this in the fact that I spend so much time wishing I could hear God’s voice or see Him at work, but I can’t shut up long enough to hear Him or see Him. I was praying in this prayer time how glorifying God just seems so empty… like my words aren’t enough, and really they aren’t. But it just seems like I am saying, “God you are so good and mighty” because that’s what I know about God’s character. But I haven’t ALLOWED myself to truly see that He is good and mighty. To see that He is, to hear Him speaking… wouldn’t those things bring more authenticity to my words of praise? Without allowing myself to hear God or to open my eyes to things God has around me, my words are just a “clanging cymbal” and not praise.

I’ve started allowing myself to see God more in my life. What I do is write down ten things I am grateful for everyday. I’ve been doing this for a few weeks now, and writing them down sometimes is just hard (especially on days where I did not feel like I did ANYTHING). But sadly as hard as that is, writing them down is not just enough. I need to move on to recognizing, “Hey, look at these things God has given me!” I need to allow these things to motivate my heart to a sense of more sincere praise.

As for allowing myself to hear God more in my life, I am continuing my moments of silence in the morning. Now, I must be honest, I think I had crazy expectations for my moments of silence. I think I thought God was going to give me this divine direction for my life like, “Jordan! I will take you back to Ohio! And one day, you will leave for Chicago with Grant! This is where you two will purchase your first house! You will wait two years to get that trampoline you want!” Maybe not to that extreme, but some sort of huge direction. It’s funny because I have started reading a book called Greater by Steven Furtick for my connect group at church. I got to a part in the book that honestly annoyed me, but it was a truth I needed to hear:

“While God is detail oriented, He doesn’t handle details or communicate them in the way most of us would prefer. He doesn’t feel obligated to walk us through every contingency or provide us with every possible warranty. He simply tells us to trust Him with the outcome, commanding us to act in faith and obedience.”

With this mindset, my moments of silence have drastically changed. I don’t come expecting to hear the full plan for my life, and I have surprisingly heard so much more. Today, I felt like I needed to send a “hope you feel better” text to my uncle that I don’t really talk to because my grandma said he had a cold. I felt like I needed to see how my future father-in-law was doing. I needed to tell my supervisor that I was proud of her for trying to do better at balancing two schools. I needed to tell a couple of my friends that love hazelnut white mochas that I ordered one and that they were on my mind.

That’s the beauty of it for me. In those moments where I act out in faith obedience, it shows me that I actually was able to listen to God. When I see the results that come from being obedient, I see God. I think this is truly the way to “taste and see that the Lord is good.”