Peace

Whatever we are waiting for- peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance- it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

 -Sarah Ban Breathnach 

Peace is something I never quite understood. I remember the brief moment in the 90's where peace started to come back in style, and my friend Jenny and I threw peace signs at my Polaroid camera (which I wish I still had). I understood peace in only one sense: having peace with others.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but right before I moved back to Ohio, I talked to my college roommate on the phone. She told me of how she felt this "peace" about where she was. I tried to comprehend this, but I couldn't. To me, peace with life or God was something foreign to me.

I guess I would describe myself as someone that was always striving. I loved that song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North when it came out because it related to me (I say "when it came out" because now I think it is a little overplayed). I hate to admit it, but a lot of striving for me came from proving myself smart and desirable. That's why I went to pursue my master's degree at such an early age, and that's why, shamefully, I sought so much male attention.

Two months ago, here I sat, with my master's degree and a fiancé, and I still didn't feel at peace. I actually felt further away from peace. With degrees comes student loan debt. With weddings comes selling your plasma to pay for catering alone. I had these things I thought I wanted, but did not feel peace at all.

That was two months ago.

I now know what peace is. It is not something you obtain or achieve; it is something you realize, and I realize how good God is. In that realization, I made myself open to receive this peace, and it is amazing.

You may or may not know, but I have been employed for about a month now. It is one thing to be thankful and feel blessed to have a job, but I want to go beyond thankful and just recognize God's goodness and love. Not only do I have a job, I have a job I love. I have a job that sparks my passion. I work as a foster care consultant, and it is amazing. I would be blessed to have a job anywhere, but God loves me enough to open up doors for me to do what I want. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying God doesn't love you if you are not in the job you really want. I have no doubt God is drawing you even closer in these moments and teaching you, which is an even greater demonstration. He is being the loving parent at this moment.

I have also started dieting and exercising. I have been making time for reading, and honestly, it just makes me feel good. I am taking care of my body, physically and mentally/emotionally. It makes me feel like I am a good steward of what God has given me: myself. My life is really the biggest gift God has given me. In this, I also realize just how much He loves me.

Being open to receive this peace that comes from seeing God's glory is honestly inspiring. I went from striving, feeling tired in my endless chases to feeling empowered, where God is strengthening me. I feel there is so much more I want to do. I want to take care of myself. I want to work hard in my job. I want to spend more time with Him.

I also want to blog more (hehe), but that's besides the point.

My encouragement if you are trying to find peace is to quit striving. Just be open and look at the goodness in life. My student loan debt will still come, but I am not worried about it. My wedding was pushed back, and that's okay. I see the blessings. I see the moments where God pours out His love. I will be able to afford paying back these loans and afford a wedding. I had a great time at college and it helped me get this awesome job. I have an amazing best friend that I will one day marry. God is good.

And there is where peace is.

Bookstore Shenanigans

I sincerely apologize for the lack of updating. Not much has been going on in life, so I haven't really had much to write. I have had a couple ideas, but I have been a little bummed with life, and therefore, I have lacked the energy to commit to any post ideas. Don't read too much into that, I am not as down as I once was. I was really stressed beyond belief, and I would even say I went into a depression. But I am looking at the positives: I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have future in-laws willing to welcome me into their home and help me out. I have a brother who has been helping me out beyond belief though he is miles and miles away. I have found a really good church here, and I have been making amazing friends. I'm just focusing on what I do have, and I have been blessed. Opportunities are arising once again, and that in itself is a blessing because you have to start somewhere.

I have also been blessed with an amazing man I get to marry that will do goofy things with me.

Yesterday, we went into a bookstore and left some notes in random books. A few were some of our favorites, while the others were just books we passed that we felt needed a note. Some of the notes were encouraging, some were funny, and others were just plain weird.

We documented our endeavor.

I have learned that no matter where I am in life, even if I don't feel very encouraged, I never want to stop making others smile. I never want to stop encouraging others.

Maybe one day, I will scan the internet and come along something that says, "I found this in a book I bought" and it will be a note we wrote. Maybe I'll never see that. All I know is, I feel uplifted already.

Farewell Facebook

This past month I thought I was just spinning into a spiral of depression. My first indication of this was the freak out I had over something wedding related in my future in-laws’ kitchen, which somehow found its way upstairs, back downstairs into the kitchen, and outside on the patio when I decided to be done. I thought maybe I was just tired, and I wasn’t really on some emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, my suspicion that I was on some amusement park ride worse than anything Cedar Point could offer was confirmed when I happened to glimpse at a text Grant sent to our mutual friend describing the journey of studying for my LSW exam as an “emotional process”.

I think Dr. Dunlop would be ashamed to hear I am having a hard time transitioning right now (especially after spending so much time on it in one of our courses), but it is true. I came up to Ohio on Memorial Day to prepare myself for moving by doing some job hunting and job interviews. I kept this to myself for the most part because I didn’t want the awkward encounter of “how did your interview go?” if I didn’t get it. I originally only intended to be gone for a week, but doors were opening to more interviews, and I was going to take my licensing exam. I was gone for like three weeks, and with all of this, I just became depressed as I felt like I wasn’t going to pass my exam. I became depressed as I still returned to Lexington to pack my stuff with no job. I should have been happy because I still had some hope in the job hunt and I ended up passing my exam, but when you see just how awesome everyone else’s life is going, you just grow to hate everything.

That’s right, I was just so down that it just turned to anger and more sadness. Exerting that much energy to be angry and sad just made me tired, and I felt like doing nothing. I wanted to tell the world “screw you” but I didn’t have the energy.

I'm only a little sorry if you find this offensive. I'm just being real in my emotions.

I also didn’t have the energy to keep trying to go through all of this stuff. Not only was the lack of energy a factor, but also the lack of success in job hunting just discourages you.

And then it happens…

Don’t get me wrong; I am not totally negating job hunting. I am still active in it. It is just I have found myself turning to video games or books when I am not doing so. I became aware that I do this in early 2012. I kind of do this escape where I just don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to escape to this other world where my problems aren’t there. Video games appeal to me so much in these times because at least I have control over that when I don’t have control over mine. The Sims is like crack to me. Sure real-life Jordan may be miserable, but Sim-Jordan seems to be having the time of her life riding her horse named Starbuck.

Why do I do this? I’m not sure. I mean I have a theory, but I could be wrong. I think it is just because I hate how people react when I try to talk about it. For example, I REALLY wanted to talk to people in Lexington about how I was feeling down about leaving, transitioning, job hunting, people forgetting me after I left, etc. It is just everyone always felt so busy, and I felt inconvenient with my problems. Would anyone care? Would they just tell me I am being ridiculous? Would they find it insulted I was worried about this? Would they just tell me to suck it up?

If this above instance isn’t enough to push me away, I also feel like I have the problem of people pushing my problems back onto them. Sometimes when I feel down and tell someone that I pretty much hate everything, they always seem to go, “You don’t hate me, do you?” or “At least you have me to make you smile because you don’t hate me!” Honestly, I can’t stand this.

Therefore, I just kind of keep it all inside, hide behind my books or my screens until it just builds and builds. How does it build?

Facebook.

Gosh, do I hate what Facebook does to me. “Oh good for you, you got a promotion. Must you rub it in when some of us don’t even have jobs?” “Oh you can be all BFF with her now and always hang out with her, but never text me back, huh?” “I see that you were too busy to go to my graduation, but had no problem with going to a different one.”

I know I’ve talked about comparing myself to others before, and I won’t dwell on it this time around. Instead, I will tell you about my conversation with my friend and mentor, Holly. I had a chance to talk to her on a particularly frustrating day while I was packing and getting ready to move back to Ohio. She reminded me a lot of humility and looking at the blessings we have already been given. I honestly can’t even remember if we particularly talked about this, if it was from my awesome conversation with my college roommate earlier in the day, or what, but I was reminded that it is humbling to realize that you’re not in control, but God is. And really, I have found out that no matter how hard I try, there is no possible way I can be in control of my life right now… and thank God there isn’t.

I shamefully admit in these times I have needed God the most, I turned away thinking that my own steps and input would get me what I needed because I was following the path of success by the world’s standards. In the three week “emotional process” I mentioned, I went from reading my Bible with excitement daily to maybe reading it once a week, and usually it was only through Grant or my accountability partner, Breezy prompting me. I went from praying everyday to only praying right before I took my licensing exam. It’s shameful I admit, but going back to Holly, I need to look back at the blessings God has already given me, and when I do, it becomes absolutely insane of me to think He won’t get me through this.

However, this is hard to do when I get on Facebook and see what is happening in everyone else’s lives, and I instantly feel the anger and depression again.

I think it was after the fifth time of me muttering, “People suck” under my breath as I browsed Facebook that Grant finally mentioned that maybe I should take a break from it. At first, I was totally not on board. I pointed out how I just gave it up for twenty-one days in January. He told me I didn’t have to give it up quite as long again if I didn’t want to but a few days or a couple of weeks could be good. I started thinking about it. I toyed with the idea of deactivating my Facebook. I have toyed with this idea before, but never seriously because I thought of things like what would happen to my pictures, how I would stay in contact with people I really needed to, what people would think happened to me and Grant if they saw I was gone, etc. This time, however, I thought logically and realized that people survived, kept pictures, and maintained relationships without Facebook. Basic concept, but true. Pictures? I will download them onto my computer! And if people think something happened to me and Grant just based on social media, then I weep for humanity. As for maintaining communication with people…

 So, with all of this in mind and the constant game requests and event invites, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook. I don’t know for how long, and if I do come back, I have decided to make a new one. Because honestly, in this time, I will find out whom I want to keep in contact with by seeing the ones who make efforts.

Therefore, Facebook…

I hope you enjoyed the Disney memes as much as I did.

Confession: I'm Bitter

“jordanXjealousy? That’s your screen name?” 

“Yeah! A few people I went to high school with made their Myspace display names as these hardcore sounding alliteration names, so I just turned mine into my screen name.”

“Ha, okay. So the real question then is are you a jealous person?”

“Psh, no.”

Question: is it still lying if you are just unaware if something is true?

That was a conversation I had right at the beginning of my college career. Obviously, it had to be some time ago since I discussed Myspace like it was a commonly accepted thing to have. I really didn’t consider myself a jealous person. I mean, I grew up in church. I knew it was wrong to be jealous or bitter or anything like that. Me? I wasn’t jealous. I was just happy as could be. I honestly believed that.

I like Kathy Griffin. Okay, yes, fine, go ahead and boo me, stop reading my blog, and send me nasty messages about how horrible of a person I am. I get it; a lot of people don’t like her. I didn’t even know who she was until a friend posted on Facebook like five years ago about going to see her and showed a video from when she saw Kathy perform. I’m always looking for new comedians to watch, so my curiosity got the best of me, and I genuinely thought she was funny. I know she has some jokes out there that are a little “inappropriate” to say the least, but that aside, there is one thing I can really appreciate about Kathy Griffin. That thing is her honesty. It’s no secret that she is dying to climb to the top of the fame ladder, and she will pretty much do whatever it takes to get there. One time, Kathy was nominated for an Emmy Award for her TV show, and she did not win it. She admitted that she knew it was an honor to be nominated and she should be happy, but she admitted, “I’m bitter.”

This is me confessing it too. I’m bitter.

No, not that Kathy lost her Emmy Award (she won two Emmys for the show at other points anyway). I’m bitter about things in my own life, and I always have been.

I can write this next part knowing that she knows this full well as we have talked about it, but I was INSANELY jealous of my best friend that I had through junior high and high school. She was a very talented musically. She won our school’s talent competition our freshmen year when she played piano. She was even voted most musical for our senior superlatives. She received a lot of attention from guys, and she was really smart. I envied her so much, and I didn’t even realize it. I tried so hard to be musically talented, and I wanted nothing more than to go into something music related. It just wasn’t me. I understood the theory behind music really well, but for some reason could not translate that to an instrument or my voice. I did not receive much male attention. In fact the only “long term” relationship I had in high school was with a guy who didn’t even live in the same state as me, and I at one time, convinced myself if he did somehow get to see me on a regular basis, we wouldn’t have been together. I was nominated for several senior superlatives, and my best friend, nominated for two (the other we were actually both nominated for together because it was the “best friends” superlative, and therefore, I was positive I was the reason she lost that one or else she could have won it). I didn’t win one single one of them, which in reality, is really okay I guess. I’m sure if I would have won something, someone in the WBHS 2008 class would be complaining about how I didn’t deserve it. I only say this because my friends from high school and I shamefully do this. It’s literally embarrassing to know high school stuff can still get to you sometimes.

My best friend wasn’t the only person I envied. Any girl that was prettier, more talented, more successful, more liked, fit into a smaller shoe size, or what was an instant target of my jealously. I know this because I spent so much time in class daydreaming if I could only be like Lauren or Gina or Tara.

I could almost argue it got worse in college. Girls that made friends easier than I did? Jealous. Girls got engaged even though I was in a relationship longer? Jealous (this one thankfully faded by the time my junior year rolled around). Girls got nominated for awards or became RAs? Jealous. Perhaps the worst was the fact that we were still doing freaking homecoming court! Good God, I thought that nightmare of never being picked would be gone in high school, but it wasn’t. Jealous. Bitter. Angry. Whatever you call it.

Well, I’ve about brought you up to date, and I bet you’re expecting a big old turn around about how I’m not bitter anymore. What would I have to be bitter about? I went off and got my master’s degree before I even turned 23 years old. I’ve maintained my faith with God and my spiritual walk is at an all time peak. I’m getting ready to get married. Just what on earth could I be bitter about?

Everything.

On Mother’s Day, I was pretty freaking bitter. I didn’t like seeing all of the Facebook status updates about how great of a mother everyone had. I didn’t like seeing the pictures or the flowers or anything. Mother’s Day is usually always hard for me because my mother is gone, but this being the first one without my grandma either made it all the much harder. And I think I was even more pissed off that no one seemed to care. Or maybe people did care, and I was just too blocked by my own negativity to see compassion. Isn’t that just horrible? Can’t I just be happy for people? Oh sure. I even texted a few people I had come to see as mother figures in my life on Mother’s Day. In fact, I think I put on a smile and made sure no one noticed.

It doesn’t stop there. I wanted to stay in Lexington so bad. I love my church here. I didn’t really want to have to go through a transition phase again. I REALLY didn’t want to move back to Ohio. But here I am, applying to jobs in Ohio, planning where my furniture is going to go, and such. I guess this wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t see other friends I graduated with somehow getting jobs down here, while I am struggling to hear back from jobs despite sending out applications like crazy (which means I am now sucking it up and taking the social work licensing exam to open up even more job opportunities).

I want to be happy for my friends. I really do. I want to be genuinely happy for everyone and their accomplishments and the fact that they’re happy. But really, it is so hard sometimes. I feel like I am forcing myself to be happy for my friends, instilling the most half-hearted celebration I can muster.

Source: Allie Brosh/Hyperbole and a Half

When in reality, I feel like doing the same thing Joseph Gordon-Levitt did to Zooey Deschanel in the movie of 500 Days of Summer.

Somehow though, I miraculously pull off this half-hearted “I’m so happy for you” phrase to everyone when they achieve something. I was into this band called The Used when I was fifteen. They had this one song called “I’m a Fake” which really essentially just repeated the song title a lot. Don’t look this song up, it’s bad. Really. While listening to this song, every time, I couldn’t help but feel like the song was really about me. Like I was the fake one. The fake one that always pretended to be happy when in reality, I was crushed.

This is the most shameful thing I have written. I’m embarrassed to even admit I could be this insensitive of a person. I write this with full knowledge that sometimes “this is the way the cookie crumbles” and so I am in no way asking for sympathy or pity. I write this because if we could all be real for just one moment, maybe we’re fake too. I imagine in a society that pushes for success so much that I can’t be the only person that has ever felt so jealous. I imagine we all have things that we pretend don’t exist or don’t bother us. Or even worse, like me, you didn’t even realize how much it was eating at you.

I am constantly trying to remind myself to not compare myself to others, but to God’s standards. For the first time ever in my life, I felt called to read a specific book in the Bible just the other night: Acts (which may be another story for another day). Today, a verse caught my eye:

“But Peter and the apostles replied, ‘We must obey God rather than human authority.’”- Acts 5:29 (NLT)

Reading it in its context, the apostles are on trial because the Sadducces were, coincidentally enough, filled with jealousy because of the apostles’ works. The court officials tell the apostles that they need to stop preaching in the name of Jesus. This verse was their response.

The human authority they spoke of was the rules that others dictated. I think that kind of relates back to what I am saying. Maybe for us, well for me, the human authority is the rules that others/society dictate. This push for success. To be better and achieve. To accomplish. To, in a sense, always be striving. And really, I don’t want to live a life where I have to push and never be satisfied. In fact, this whole Christianity thing I signed onto talks about how we no longer need to strive.

“Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”- John 6:35 (NLT)

I signed on for this: a love that satisfies and reminds me that I am more than a life of striving to look for something that has already been given to me.

So, I am not staying in Lexington. I’m not getting a job as soon as I would have liked. I didn’t get a picture with a fancy title in a yearbook that is sitting on someone’s shelf serving as some sort of bookend. I didn’t get a little crown that would have probably given me a headache before the night was over. And that’s okay. Really. Because none of these things are required of me in God’s kingdom to be considered successful. In fact, what is required of me to be successful starts with loving God and loving my neighbor as myself. And let’s be honest, I would be happy if I got a job in Lexington (or anywhere really). I would be happy if I got an award or something.

Therefore, if I haven’t congratulated you on landing that job, congrats my friend. You deserve it. If I haven’t ever said, “Hey! Super proud of you for getting that award,” then, please imagine me saying it now. If I never said one word about you getting on homecoming court/prom court, please put on your dress again so I can see just how lovely you were for a second time. Seriously, dear friends, I am so happy for you, and I am so sorry I never told you sooner.

For the record, if anyone wants to know the superlatives I got nominated for they were best personality, nicest, most dependable, worst car, best eyes, best friends, and biggest flirt (that one was a joke). Looking back on it, really there is only one I am still upset I didn’t win.

I totally had the worst car.

Sometimes I Get Crafty

I haven’t really written in a while, mainly because I haven’t had any ideas on what to write. I tried writing a post about Grant being in Costa Rica and him returning, but I didn’t like the overused message of social support in it. I even had a post idea about Lucille Ball, which I may still use later.

Instead, today, I will be one of those cool, crafty people that show the results of a craft they made. I found this idea originally through here on StumbleUpon (side note: if you don’t use StumbleUpon, you are doing life wrong). Yesterday, I had spent all day playing video games and doing logic puzzles, so I wanted to do something a little more productive. I decided on this idea of a DIY dry erase calendar.

Originally, I wanted to make this for me, but I just felt like I needed to make it for someone else. I really felt like I needed to make it for a couple at my church, Sara and Austin, as they had just recently married.

What You Will Need

35 paint chips of any color(s) you decide

12” X 16” picture frame

Glue stick

Dry erase markers

Scissors

Ruler

Pencil

I found everything I needed at Hobby Lobby except the paint chips. That’s okay though because paint chips are obviously easy to come by because they are free at any home decorating store. I picked mine up from Wal-Mart, although, I must warn you, it does feel a little criminal just going into Wal-Mart, picking up 35 paint chips, and walking out like it was nothing. I was really nervous and felt like I was breaking a law or something.

First, you will want to cut your paint chips into 2” X 2” squares. I picked a different color for each day of the week and picked variations of yellow and gray since those were Austin and Sara’s colors.

Next, take the insert of the flame and flip it over to the blank side. Arrange your paint chips in a nice fashion like below and glue them on the insert.

After this, you can put the insert back into the picture frame. The glass will act as the dry erase part, and you can use your dry erase markers to decorate it how you like. I went ahead and added a couple of events at our church that I knew they were attending so it wouldn't look so plain.

Sara and Austin ended up being really appreciative of the gift, and like I told them, if it ever proves to be something they no longer use, they now have a large picture frame.

I hope you guys enjoyed my brief craft tutorial. I know I did as I realized I will never have to buy a dry erase board again.

State of Insanity

I apologize for the hiatus in posting. My excuse is that I believe I have officially gone insane.

This may call for some old-school Jordan drawings to help cope.

I don’t know what it is. It could be me still somewhat grieving from my grandmother’s death. It could be how much I hate my new phone. It could be the unpromising job hunt that is ensuing. It could be just the financial concerns lingering. It could be that my apartment is in such a mess that I can’t even blame it on the fact that my vacuum seems to only work for one minute and thirty seconds before dying. It may even be the fact that I am concerned I won’t pass my seminary elective. It may be realizing that I am probably going to have to move back to Ohio after swearing time and time again at age fifteen that I would leave and never come back. It’s probably a combination of it all really, but whatever it is… I have officially lost my mind and swirled into a state I have never entered.

There is a constant cloud of stress that follows me. I walk around always feeling like I need to throw up. That’s gross. I shouldn’t have shared that. Even more proof that I have lost my mind. It is like I am purposely looking for ways to embarrass myself. I almost took a picture of my apartment’s mess to show the world. Then, I thought: Jordan, no one does that. That’s embarrassing. Please don’t.

My functioning as a human being is at risk because of all of the stuff that is hitting me.

A friend, a supervisor, and a professor have all pointed out to me that I haven’t done much for myself in terms of relaxing and self-care lately. Last night, I tried to play video games to take my mind off of everything. However, the only thing that happened was I felt horrible because of all of the things I needed to be doing and figuring out that I did not relax.

As more evidence, I have found myself saying the craziest things.

I also considered comedian. Although, most of my material is just reinvented Mitch Hedberg jokes. A lot of people would catch my Mitch Hedberg references. If they don’t, then obviously they don’t have a good sense of humor, and I don’t want to perform for them anyway.

I am slightly concerned about myself. I may say all of this with humor, but I have seriously been concerned. I have had some pretty scary thoughts lately (and no, I don’t mean about rethinking my career). I still love people, and I don’t really think I want any of those careers. Okay, maybe I want the Nintendo career, but only if they let me play the games. I don’t want to actually make them. I would be bad at that. I’m not that creative.

Really, I am just concerned where all of this came from. When did I become so full of worry? When did I become so depressed? When did I lose focus of the things that really matter? When did I get to the point that I am so stressed that the Rocky Mountains made their home on my face?

Tonight, in an attempt to relax after a stressful situation of driving to an event to find out it was canceled, I was listening to Pandora. A song by Plumb came on. It’s a song I have heard before, and I really love called, “In My Arms.” Tonight, I really heard the lyrics for the first time.

Clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in My arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in My arms

Castles they might crumble

Dreams may not come true

But you are never all alone

Because I will always

Always love you

I broke down in tears.

I know this is the part where I should say, “I know God has my back. I take comfort in knowing He’s there. Blah blah blah. YAY JESUS!” However, I can’t do that. I want to, but I can’t. I still feel worried. I can’t let go of it. And maybe that’s what hurts. Knowing I could feel safe in God, but just not being able to feel it. Don’t get me wrong, I know you can feel safe in God, and I love Him and I know He’s there. Right now, that is just hard for me and it feels so far away.

I wish there was a better way to end this. I just needed to share my struggle. I hate to end on a sour note.

Here! Check out grad school Barbie, a Barbie to whom I can relate.

Pearls

"Every girl should have pearls."

My grandma said this as she handed me a small box one day. I opened the box and saw my very own pearl necklace. I had borrowed my grandmother's numerous times, and now I had my own. I was never a big fan of jewelry, but I always did enjoy her pearl necklace. I did mention that I wished it was a little shorter, so of course, mine was short and didn't hang as much as her pearl necklace. I was grateful, and though it may have seemed old fashioned, I even wore it to my senior prom.

Pearls have held significance for me personally, I guess. Along with the whole pearl necklace from my grandma, my great-grandmother's middle name was Pearl. Pearls are my birthstone. The girls in chorale in high school got to wear pearls at their performance, and every year, I tried out for chorale and was always picked as an alternate, but finally got in my senior year. It was a joy to have be able to finally walk off stage from my women's chorus performance to put on a set of pearls and return to the stage. For me, it has symbolized who I am. It has meant triumph. It has meant family: specifically my grandmother.

Being a teenager raised by your grandma can be difficult at times, but it never stopped me from getting advice from her. I was always asking advice on school, love, religion, how to treat others, etc. My grandmother time and time again would point me to a poem, and today this poem was read at her funeral.

Grandma's Pearls of Wisdom
I traveled paths you've yet to walk
Learned lessons old and new
And now this wisdom of my life
I'm blessed to share with you

Let kindness spread like sunshine
Embrace those who are sad
Respect their dignity, give them joy
And leave them feeling glad

Forgive those who might hurt you
And though you have your pride
Listen closely to their viewpoints
Try to see the other side

Walk softly when you're angry
Try not to take offense
Invoke your sense of humor
Laugher's power is immense

Express what you are feeling
Your beliefs you should uphold
Don't shy away from what is right
Be courageous and be bold

Keep hope right in your pocket
It will guide you day by day
Take it out when is needed
When its near, you'll find a way

Remember friends and family
Of which you are a precious part
Love deeply and love truly
Give freely from your heart

This world is far from perfect
There's conflict and there's strife
But you still can make a difference
By how you live your life

And so I'm very blessed to know
The wonders you will do
Because you are my granddaughter*
And I believe in you

I think it is funny that it is called "Grandma's Pearls of Wisdom" considering everything I have just written.

I'm not sure if you know how a pearl is made, but it is quite interesting to me. It starts out when something slips into the oyster and begins to irritate/hurt it. In order to protect itself, the oyster covers the irritating substance with layers of what the oyster uses to create its shell. This irritating substance becomes a pearl. What once caused pain creates something beautiful.

This isn't the first time I have lost someone close to me that I loved. I have lost my mother, my grandfather, and now my grandmother. Each loss has been so painful. It has been hard to lose each parental figure in my life before I even reached the age of 23. However, I know that I can turn this pain into something beautiful. It is what my mom, grandpa, and grandma would have wanted. I can look back and smile at the many memories I created with them. I can look back at the wisdom they imparted to me, particularly my grandmother.

Grandma, I hope you are enjoying dancing with grandpa again. Just know I'm going to cut in someday.

On another note, let's make sure we can find me a wedding dress that goes with these.

*=for grandma's funeral, "granddaughter" was changed to "family"