Though I
have returned to Kentucky, I have still had a lot on my mind.
This process
with my grandma has been rough. That’s an understatement, but this stress has
made me tired that it has been hard to really say much. It’s hard knowing that
the woman who has raised you is being kept alive by machines when just a couple
of weeks ago, you were having a conversation with her where she repeated the
same story three times and asked you if you were hungry repeatedly.
These things
are never easy, and I think it is really hard to watch someone go through it.
It has been such a blessing to have people checking in and praying and doing
all of this stuff. I have been on the other side of this, and I think so often
we don’t know what to do to help. Therefore, I decided to make a list of things
while I am still in this situation that have REALLY helped me. Maybe it can
help you when you have a friend going through this, but I am also writing this
for me so I can remember this.
1. Don’t ask permission to go see them; go
ahead and see them.
I know
people may differ on this and may want to be left alone, but if you know your
friend is more people-oriented, this may be a good rule to follow. For me, I
had many people ask, “Do you need/want me to go to the hospital?” I would
always just say no because I didn’t want to feel like I MADE someone come. My
friend Carrie was different. I received a text from her after I gave her an
update on my grandma’s condition saying, “I’m on my way to the hospital.” For
me, this is what I needed. I wasn’t going to go out and ask someone to be
there, but I kind of did want someone to be there. My fiancé’s father and a
couple of high school friends did the same thing, and I really did value having
them there.
2. Don’t ask, “Is there anything I can do?”
Instead, offer to do something.
When you ask
someone going through a stressful circumstance if there’s anything they want
you do to help them, they are automatically going to say no. No one wants to be
a burden, and a person probably has a lot going in his or her mind. It is hard
for someone to think if they have something you can do to help. I know this was
true for me. I would always tell people there wasn’t much they could do. My
friend Mariah texted me to let me know the general stuff friends let you know:
that they are praying and thinking of you. However, she also asked if I wanted
her to teach at connect group this week. I was originally scheduled and the
thought hadn’t even crossed my mind to ask someone. I was glad she offered, and
I said she could.
3. Offer to update others.
I went to
high school in southwestern Ohio. I did my undergrad in central Ohio. I am in
grad school in central Kentucky. Yes, there were A LOT of people asking about
my grandma. It was overwhelming at times trying to remember who I told what and
trying to format texts. Even when I just sent the same texts, I felt like I was
sending them to the wrong people. I also just did not have time to keep my
phone attached to my hand. I wanted to be there for my family. Therefore, it
was such a relief when my friend Catie offered to update my MVNU friends for
me, and my friend Kassie started updating my TurningPoint Church friends. My
friends still got updated and I did not have to be on the phone 24/7.
4. Do not keep asking what the newest
update is.
It is
natural to want to be updated, and I would like to believe if you have asked
the person to keep you updated, he or she will. The reason I say to not keep
asking is that a lot of times, there haven’t been any new updates. At least,
that was the case for me. A lot of times, we were just waiting around to see
what happened when my grandma was on a certain machine or waiting for the
doctors or something. It just added stress to see a text come in that said,
“Any news?” That made me always feel like we should have heard something by
then, and it really just got to me. Asking once in a while, in case you think
the person forgot to update you, is acceptable. Try texting a mutual friend
first though to see if they have heard anything. The person may have forgotten
to text you, but it was nothing personal. I know I forgot to text back a friend
because of all the texts that came in, and her text message just got lost in it
all.
5. Bring you friend dinner/take them out.
We spent so
much time being at the hospital that I think I probably gained twenty pounds in
fast food because that was all that was next to the hospital. Plus, it was
cheaper then going out to eat. Someone in these types of situations, whether
they just experienced a loss or are preparing for one, do not even have the
strength to make himself or herself a good meal. Therefore, if you can take
them out to a place where they aren’t eating junk food or you can just bring
them something, it becomes incredibly helpful. On my way back to Lexington, my
brother and I couldn’t take one more fast food meal, so we actually went out to
eat at an Italian restaurant. I felt like my soup was medicine. I should have
taken better care of myself, but you don’t always think about that in these situations.
6. Come do something with them.
I don’t know
how many times I tried to do something homework related, and I just could not
do it because of all of the stress. I couldn’t read a book, I couldn’t answer
emails, I couldn’t write a blog post. Nothing. The only time I was actually
able to do something is when I was talking to someone. Don’t know what to say?
Bring them a movie to watch together. Bring a game. They will appreciate it.
Trust me. I got tired of my games on my iPhone after five minutes. My brother
and I at one point were so bored that we took our iPhones and pretended to be
shooting each other with them. I think that entertained our fifteen-year-old
cousin more than it did us.
7. Do NOT bring up God’s will in any
conversation.
Okay, I
didn’t want to bring up any “Do’s” and “Don’ts” when it comes to conversations,
but this is one that I feel strongly about. First of all, just because your
friend may be Christian does not mean the rest of the family is Christian. When
you say this to a non-Christian, God becomes an evil bully. I even think that
this paints a picture of Him as being horrible, and I am a Christian. This is
certainly not the image you want painted of God. God is love. God is comfort.
God is good. Making someone go through something like this is NOT God’s will.
God intended for all of us to live eternally and walk with Him. This was the
way it was before the fall of man. That was God’s intent. God never intended
suffering or pain or hurt. I had two people who were Christians say this to me,
and luckily for me, I am able to work through this in my mind. However, not
everyone is able to, even a Christian may not be able to work through that. So
PLEASE don’t say it because honestly, it’s incredibly inaccurate and somewhat
blasphemous and rude in my opinion.
8. PRAY
I think a
lot of people would get bummed out if I told them to keep praying. I think they
wanted to do more. However, I learned at my church recently that we as
Christians have this “at least I can pray” mindset. We see it as like the easy
way out and something that doesn’t help much. Let me tell you something, like
Pastor Alex at TurningPoint Church would say, “It’s not at least you can pray;
it’s at most you can pray.” Prayer is a time where we are talking directly to
God. I believe our God can do miracles. I believe our God listens and hears our
cries. I believe He can comfort and work in these tough times. To me, prayer
becomes the most important piece in comforting someone during these rough
times.
Others may
disagree, but these are the things that really helped me out. If nothing else,
this is what I am going to remember and use it to hopefully comfort other
people. I know everyone is different, so what works for me may not work for
everyone else. I just know, in these times, we cannot stand alone. We need God,
and we need our community.
