State of Insanity

I apologize for the hiatus in posting. My excuse is that I believe I have officially gone insane.

This may call for some old-school Jordan drawings to help cope.

I don’t know what it is. It could be me still somewhat grieving from my grandmother’s death. It could be how much I hate my new phone. It could be the unpromising job hunt that is ensuing. It could be just the financial concerns lingering. It could be that my apartment is in such a mess that I can’t even blame it on the fact that my vacuum seems to only work for one minute and thirty seconds before dying. It may even be the fact that I am concerned I won’t pass my seminary elective. It may be realizing that I am probably going to have to move back to Ohio after swearing time and time again at age fifteen that I would leave and never come back. It’s probably a combination of it all really, but whatever it is… I have officially lost my mind and swirled into a state I have never entered.

There is a constant cloud of stress that follows me. I walk around always feeling like I need to throw up. That’s gross. I shouldn’t have shared that. Even more proof that I have lost my mind. It is like I am purposely looking for ways to embarrass myself. I almost took a picture of my apartment’s mess to show the world. Then, I thought: Jordan, no one does that. That’s embarrassing. Please don’t.

My functioning as a human being is at risk because of all of the stuff that is hitting me.

A friend, a supervisor, and a professor have all pointed out to me that I haven’t done much for myself in terms of relaxing and self-care lately. Last night, I tried to play video games to take my mind off of everything. However, the only thing that happened was I felt horrible because of all of the things I needed to be doing and figuring out that I did not relax.

As more evidence, I have found myself saying the craziest things.

I also considered comedian. Although, most of my material is just reinvented Mitch Hedberg jokes. A lot of people would catch my Mitch Hedberg references. If they don’t, then obviously they don’t have a good sense of humor, and I don’t want to perform for them anyway.

I am slightly concerned about myself. I may say all of this with humor, but I have seriously been concerned. I have had some pretty scary thoughts lately (and no, I don’t mean about rethinking my career). I still love people, and I don’t really think I want any of those careers. Okay, maybe I want the Nintendo career, but only if they let me play the games. I don’t want to actually make them. I would be bad at that. I’m not that creative.

Really, I am just concerned where all of this came from. When did I become so full of worry? When did I become so depressed? When did I lose focus of the things that really matter? When did I get to the point that I am so stressed that the Rocky Mountains made their home on my face?

Tonight, in an attempt to relax after a stressful situation of driving to an event to find out it was canceled, I was listening to Pandora. A song by Plumb came on. It’s a song I have heard before, and I really love called, “In My Arms.” Tonight, I really heard the lyrics for the first time.

Clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in My arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in My arms

Castles they might crumble

Dreams may not come true

But you are never all alone

Because I will always

Always love you

I broke down in tears.

I know this is the part where I should say, “I know God has my back. I take comfort in knowing He’s there. Blah blah blah. YAY JESUS!” However, I can’t do that. I want to, but I can’t. I still feel worried. I can’t let go of it. And maybe that’s what hurts. Knowing I could feel safe in God, but just not being able to feel it. Don’t get me wrong, I know you can feel safe in God, and I love Him and I know He’s there. Right now, that is just hard for me and it feels so far away.

I wish there was a better way to end this. I just needed to share my struggle. I hate to end on a sour note.

Here! Check out grad school Barbie, a Barbie to whom I can relate.