Farewell Facebook

This past month I thought I was just spinning into a spiral of depression. My first indication of this was the freak out I had over something wedding related in my future in-laws’ kitchen, which somehow found its way upstairs, back downstairs into the kitchen, and outside on the patio when I decided to be done. I thought maybe I was just tired, and I wasn’t really on some emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, my suspicion that I was on some amusement park ride worse than anything Cedar Point could offer was confirmed when I happened to glimpse at a text Grant sent to our mutual friend describing the journey of studying for my LSW exam as an “emotional process”.

I think Dr. Dunlop would be ashamed to hear I am having a hard time transitioning right now (especially after spending so much time on it in one of our courses), but it is true. I came up to Ohio on Memorial Day to prepare myself for moving by doing some job hunting and job interviews. I kept this to myself for the most part because I didn’t want the awkward encounter of “how did your interview go?” if I didn’t get it. I originally only intended to be gone for a week, but doors were opening to more interviews, and I was going to take my licensing exam. I was gone for like three weeks, and with all of this, I just became depressed as I felt like I wasn’t going to pass my exam. I became depressed as I still returned to Lexington to pack my stuff with no job. I should have been happy because I still had some hope in the job hunt and I ended up passing my exam, but when you see just how awesome everyone else’s life is going, you just grow to hate everything.

That’s right, I was just so down that it just turned to anger and more sadness. Exerting that much energy to be angry and sad just made me tired, and I felt like doing nothing. I wanted to tell the world “screw you” but I didn’t have the energy.

I'm only a little sorry if you find this offensive. I'm just being real in my emotions.

I also didn’t have the energy to keep trying to go through all of this stuff. Not only was the lack of energy a factor, but also the lack of success in job hunting just discourages you.

And then it happens…

Don’t get me wrong; I am not totally negating job hunting. I am still active in it. It is just I have found myself turning to video games or books when I am not doing so. I became aware that I do this in early 2012. I kind of do this escape where I just don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to escape to this other world where my problems aren’t there. Video games appeal to me so much in these times because at least I have control over that when I don’t have control over mine. The Sims is like crack to me. Sure real-life Jordan may be miserable, but Sim-Jordan seems to be having the time of her life riding her horse named Starbuck.

Why do I do this? I’m not sure. I mean I have a theory, but I could be wrong. I think it is just because I hate how people react when I try to talk about it. For example, I REALLY wanted to talk to people in Lexington about how I was feeling down about leaving, transitioning, job hunting, people forgetting me after I left, etc. It is just everyone always felt so busy, and I felt inconvenient with my problems. Would anyone care? Would they just tell me I am being ridiculous? Would they find it insulted I was worried about this? Would they just tell me to suck it up?

If this above instance isn’t enough to push me away, I also feel like I have the problem of people pushing my problems back onto them. Sometimes when I feel down and tell someone that I pretty much hate everything, they always seem to go, “You don’t hate me, do you?” or “At least you have me to make you smile because you don’t hate me!” Honestly, I can’t stand this.

Therefore, I just kind of keep it all inside, hide behind my books or my screens until it just builds and builds. How does it build?

Facebook.

Gosh, do I hate what Facebook does to me. “Oh good for you, you got a promotion. Must you rub it in when some of us don’t even have jobs?” “Oh you can be all BFF with her now and always hang out with her, but never text me back, huh?” “I see that you were too busy to go to my graduation, but had no problem with going to a different one.”

I know I’ve talked about comparing myself to others before, and I won’t dwell on it this time around. Instead, I will tell you about my conversation with my friend and mentor, Holly. I had a chance to talk to her on a particularly frustrating day while I was packing and getting ready to move back to Ohio. She reminded me a lot of humility and looking at the blessings we have already been given. I honestly can’t even remember if we particularly talked about this, if it was from my awesome conversation with my college roommate earlier in the day, or what, but I was reminded that it is humbling to realize that you’re not in control, but God is. And really, I have found out that no matter how hard I try, there is no possible way I can be in control of my life right now… and thank God there isn’t.

I shamefully admit in these times I have needed God the most, I turned away thinking that my own steps and input would get me what I needed because I was following the path of success by the world’s standards. In the three week “emotional process” I mentioned, I went from reading my Bible with excitement daily to maybe reading it once a week, and usually it was only through Grant or my accountability partner, Breezy prompting me. I went from praying everyday to only praying right before I took my licensing exam. It’s shameful I admit, but going back to Holly, I need to look back at the blessings God has already given me, and when I do, it becomes absolutely insane of me to think He won’t get me through this.

However, this is hard to do when I get on Facebook and see what is happening in everyone else’s lives, and I instantly feel the anger and depression again.

I think it was after the fifth time of me muttering, “People suck” under my breath as I browsed Facebook that Grant finally mentioned that maybe I should take a break from it. At first, I was totally not on board. I pointed out how I just gave it up for twenty-one days in January. He told me I didn’t have to give it up quite as long again if I didn’t want to but a few days or a couple of weeks could be good. I started thinking about it. I toyed with the idea of deactivating my Facebook. I have toyed with this idea before, but never seriously because I thought of things like what would happen to my pictures, how I would stay in contact with people I really needed to, what people would think happened to me and Grant if they saw I was gone, etc. This time, however, I thought logically and realized that people survived, kept pictures, and maintained relationships without Facebook. Basic concept, but true. Pictures? I will download them onto my computer! And if people think something happened to me and Grant just based on social media, then I weep for humanity. As for maintaining communication with people…

 So, with all of this in mind and the constant game requests and event invites, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook. I don’t know for how long, and if I do come back, I have decided to make a new one. Because honestly, in this time, I will find out whom I want to keep in contact with by seeing the ones who make efforts.

Therefore, Facebook…

I hope you enjoyed the Disney memes as much as I did.