Peace

Whatever we are waiting for- peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance- it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

 -Sarah Ban Breathnach 

Peace is something I never quite understood. I remember the brief moment in the 90's where peace started to come back in style, and my friend Jenny and I threw peace signs at my Polaroid camera (which I wish I still had). I understood peace in only one sense: having peace with others.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but right before I moved back to Ohio, I talked to my college roommate on the phone. She told me of how she felt this "peace" about where she was. I tried to comprehend this, but I couldn't. To me, peace with life or God was something foreign to me.

I guess I would describe myself as someone that was always striving. I loved that song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North when it came out because it related to me (I say "when it came out" because now I think it is a little overplayed). I hate to admit it, but a lot of striving for me came from proving myself smart and desirable. That's why I went to pursue my master's degree at such an early age, and that's why, shamefully, I sought so much male attention.

Two months ago, here I sat, with my master's degree and a fiancé, and I still didn't feel at peace. I actually felt further away from peace. With degrees comes student loan debt. With weddings comes selling your plasma to pay for catering alone. I had these things I thought I wanted, but did not feel peace at all.

That was two months ago.

I now know what peace is. It is not something you obtain or achieve; it is something you realize, and I realize how good God is. In that realization, I made myself open to receive this peace, and it is amazing.

You may or may not know, but I have been employed for about a month now. It is one thing to be thankful and feel blessed to have a job, but I want to go beyond thankful and just recognize God's goodness and love. Not only do I have a job, I have a job I love. I have a job that sparks my passion. I work as a foster care consultant, and it is amazing. I would be blessed to have a job anywhere, but God loves me enough to open up doors for me to do what I want. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying God doesn't love you if you are not in the job you really want. I have no doubt God is drawing you even closer in these moments and teaching you, which is an even greater demonstration. He is being the loving parent at this moment.

I have also started dieting and exercising. I have been making time for reading, and honestly, it just makes me feel good. I am taking care of my body, physically and mentally/emotionally. It makes me feel like I am a good steward of what God has given me: myself. My life is really the biggest gift God has given me. In this, I also realize just how much He loves me.

Being open to receive this peace that comes from seeing God's glory is honestly inspiring. I went from striving, feeling tired in my endless chases to feeling empowered, where God is strengthening me. I feel there is so much more I want to do. I want to take care of myself. I want to work hard in my job. I want to spend more time with Him.

I also want to blog more (hehe), but that's besides the point.

My encouragement if you are trying to find peace is to quit striving. Just be open and look at the goodness in life. My student loan debt will still come, but I am not worried about it. My wedding was pushed back, and that's okay. I see the blessings. I see the moments where God pours out His love. I will be able to afford paying back these loans and afford a wedding. I had a great time at college and it helped me get this awesome job. I have an amazing best friend that I will one day marry. God is good.

And there is where peace is.