Life Is so Good That it Hurts

In just a few short months, my life started to look up. If you would have approached me in say December, and asked how life is, I can almost hear my voice responding. “I hate Kentucky! I hate grad school! I just can’t wait until it’s over so I can move back to Ohio! This wedding planning stuff is completely chaotic and stupid! I don’t understand why everything has to be so expensive! Grant is just a jerk because he’s making us have a wedding!” I probably mumbled about how much I missed United Dairy Farmers as well.

While I still don’t understand why weddings are expensive, grad school is still grad school, and Arby’s milkshakes remain unsatisfactory in comparison to UDF, I can say a lot of my mindset has changed. I really don’t hate Kentucky anymore. In fact, I would say I love it and have come to appreciate a lot about it. I didn’t ever realize just how much I love Raising Cane’s. I’m thankful that there are infinitely more Starbucks establishments. Not to mention, I really like only driving like fifteen minutes tops to get anywhere.

Perhaps the biggest thing that made me like Kentucky was my church down here. Right before I left for the holidays, I started attending TurningPoint Church. With me leaving for the holidays, I didn’t really have time to get settled in with too much going on. I mean, I had met a couple of people there before I left, but not too many. However, after coming back from the holidays, I quickly grew to love TurningPoint. The first couple of weeks back were bad. I was at a pretty low point in my faith. I remember pouring out a list of questions I had for God that I didn’t understand, and I demanded answers. I talked to Grant and my brother about it, and to tell you what all they said would be just completely off topic, but they both encouraged me to seek God and seek godly fellowship. I decided to do a “social media” fast for 21 days since everyone at TurningPoint seemed to be on board with doing a 21-day fast for the church. It was actually really helpful and maybe I will write about that another time, but I kind of grew to really desire more involvement.

Before I knew it, I was a different person than I was in December. I was reading my Bible and praying everyday, and I don’t think that had happened since I was like twelve. I got involved in a really good connect group that has really helped me see the direction I need to head to battle my insecurities that I have discussed before (you can read that here). I became very interested in understanding how to be close to God and discovering the person He shaped me to be. I had made really good connections with people at church. Somehow, I got involved in two more connect groups, and in one I learned a great deal about mentorship (I wrote about that and you can read it here). I started praying for a chance for a mentorship relationship to develop, and I can see it happening. I was asked to start serving on the parking team for my church, and as crazy as it sounds, I really enjoy it and feel like it is a good fit for me.

Yes, it is all going so good. I even think I might want to stay in Lexington after I graduate.

But when things start going well, I suppose that we can’t expect it to stay that way.

This past Sunday I made a conscious decision to get baptized on Palm Sunday. I felt like I was ready. I had been sprinkled when I was younger, and I don’t even remember the words that were said over me or the words I said. I honestly think I just did it because all of the other kids at my church were getting baptized. This time, I am getting immersed, and that is sort of personally meaningful for me. For those of you that don’t know, I have a HUGE fear of being submersed underwater. Just ask my friend Ryan when he decided he was going to teach me how to swim or my friend Zach when he decided he was going to pull everyone in youth group underwater on a mission trip. Therefore, this is my public declaration that I trust God, and I will no longer let fear control me… even the fear of being underwater.

That was Sunday. And Monday literally could not have sucked anymore than it did. To spare us all a long story and not to break a social worker’s ethical commitment to confidentiality (which is an even LONGER story), I won’t/can’t go into detail, but practicum just began to really suck this week. There is no nice way of putting that at all.  It didn’t stop on Monday. It just raged on all week. However, I obviously made it through.

Then, Wednesday evening happened. Wednesday was by far the most frustrating day at practicum. It resulted in me talking to a friend from church just to say little things were starting to get to me. She was very encouraging, and I felt better talking to her. I came home that evening, and I received a text saying that the guy who oversees the parking team at church wanted to see if I would be interested in taking on a leadership position on the parking team. He encouraged me to pray on it and let him know Sunday, but it made me smile. Things were starting to look up.

An hour later, my phone rings. It’s my grandma. I figured she got something in the mail for me again. Probably telling me I need to do my exit counseling (don’t you judge me, but I STILL haven’t done my loan exit counseling). I didn’t realize it was her cell phone number. If I had known that, I would have known it was more serious. I picked it up, and my grandma told me she was in the hospital. I hung up and cried. I knew she said it wasn’t serious and it was just her pneumonia was making her oxygen levels low, but I still felt my mind just go to the worst possible scenarios of worry. I got a hold of Grant and in tears I said, “I just can’t believe Satan would stoop so low to do something like this!” We both kind of were taken back at what I said.

It wasn’t like me to say something like that. In December, I would have said, “Why is God allowing this?” But I knew better now. It always intrigues me the blame we give to God when things aren’t going right but the gratitude we never give Him when things are good. Anyway, that’s a different story. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t playing the blame game with God.

My friend that had called me earlier that day and encouraged me had told me a great truth. She told me that I was growing so much and doing so many things in my church. My walk with God was growing and I was on fire for Him. I mean it still is growing, I still am doing these things, and I still am on fire. And this pisses Satan off to no end. It is in these moments that he’s going to throw everything he can at me to make me angry with God, to make me question God, and to make me no longer trust God.

To Satan’s disappointment, I still have faith. I’m still going to serve. I’m still going to get baptized. I’m still going to grow. And you know after spending some time in prayer, I’m going to take that leadership position. I’m showing God that I still trust Him with the opportunities He has given me to grow because I have seen a great deal change in me in these past few months. How could I not continue to trust Him? For the first time in my life, I am beginning to REALLY see God as good. It is something we were taught. It is something we sing and pray, but I never really bought into it. Now, I see it, and I don’t think good can begin to describe it. I am not allowing Satan to drive me back to a mindset of questioning God’s goodness because I have tasted and I have seen.

The last bit of encouragement my friend gave me was she told me I am a world changer. It’s something we are told every week at church by our pastor. “You are not common. You are not ordinary. You are a world changer.” I don’t want anything to stop me, and I don’t want you, my friend reading this, to let anything stop you either. Whatever it is that is being thrown at you, I just encourage you to remain strong and unshakeable. I know it is easier said than done, but I will tell you this friend: You are not common. You are not ordinary. You are a world changer. Walk with that faith.